A New Qualifier? *Wince*

So...I’ve been praying to God every day, multiple times a day to remove my obsession with #40 (see my sex / relationship inventory...I’ve set it as a featured post here on the right of the page, desktop version only). As you know from my posts, ever since I met him on February 02, 4 1/2 months ago, the obsession with him has been insidious. I’m so grateful that I’ve been not only asking God to remove the obsession over and over, but I’ve worked the 12 steps and have thrown myself the harder into helping others through AA. To review, here were the instructions for the sex inventory - the answers to which I didn’t post here, but I did write them on paper with a pen for four hours at Denny’s one night in March, and my patterns were very clear:

“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

“In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

“Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

“God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

“Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

“To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

“If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.

“In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.” Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 69-71

I stayed after last night’s AA meeting to help a female friend who needed some advice on step 10. I noticed when we were leaving, after at least thirty minutes, that one of the male members - who I’ve known since coming to the fellowship for some years now but hadn’t paid much mind to until about 6 months ago when he started talking to me - had been waiting by his motorcycle, and only started to leave when we were leaving. I had shared with the friend earlier my “chosen ideal” man (see this post for reference), since she was having a hard time in her relationship, dealing with her husband's anger - and she pointed at Brandon, saying, "See, that's a good man right there - he's got the things on your list."

So, what's a love addict to do, but to develop a new obsession. Great. #42, here we go.