A couple days ago, I dropped him off some sushi (without seeing him) after his surgery. I had also dropped off some Hydroxyzine the night before to help him sleep (also without seeing him). I knew I was breaking my bottom lines of not initiating contact, but I felt so compelled to do something for him. He has done so much for me.
“Thank you for thinking of me,” he said later, in an Instagram message.
Little does he know, he’s ALL I can think about. All...day...long. That I feel empty and incomplete when we aren’t in contact.
Today I changed ‘not posting on social media to get a qualifier’s attention’ and ‘not checking a qualifier’s social media to see if they are active’ from being “bottom lines” to being “top lines,” to allow myself to act out on that behavior without having to reset my sex-love addiction sobriety date. But I ended up resetting my sobriety date anyway, because I tagged him in the post (about praying for his recovery - I had to let him know that I was thinking about him), which counts as initiating contact with a qualifier (which I’m keeping as a bottom line, otherwise, I will never be open to God’s will - not mine - when it comes to sex-love relationships; I will always be trying to run on self-will, trying to play the director - which doesn’t work).
So, I temporarily disabled my Instagram account. I do believe that only a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (step 2). That can start with not having access to Instagram, period - I can turn that over to God (step 3).
I still have a business Instagram account, though, which he follows, and I can still search him up using my business account to see if he’s active. And I can still use Facebook Messenger to see if he’s active. So I don’t know. I haven’t been willing to block him on social media and keep him blocked. When I do that, it’s so painful that I can’t stand it. It signifies a real and final letting go. But I’m too selfish to let go completely and am still holding onto self-will - even thought one of my top lines is, “I will let go and let God. I will not act on self-will.”
It’s so hard to let go, though. “If I do this, then this will (or won’t) happen,” I tell myself. “If I block him, then we’ll never be able to reconcile to have a relationship again,” I think fearfully...as if having a relationship with him would be God’s will, anyway. And here, this fear, is a lack of faith and trust in God. I need more work on step 2, for sure. How much am I willing to come to believe that God can restore me to sanity? It only works if I stop doing things my way. God, please give me the willingness!
Falling in love as a self-aware love addict feels like, the worst thing ever, I tell you. The feelings won’t kill me, but they are so incredibly palpable ... painful. It’s also painful just to know that this is a manifestation of the addiction, that I’m incapable of loving “normally” - like an alcoholic is incapable of drinking “normally.”
I think that may come with step 11 - which I’m able to do for my alcoholism and weed / THC addiction (8.5 years no alcohol, 14 months no weed / THC) - but I have a LONG way to go for sex-love recovery. But I can make a beginning. God - please enter me to expel this obsession, help me be willing to seek Your will above all, reveal Your will to me, and grant me the strength to carry it out. Amen.
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