Friendships?

I called him.

I just couldn’t stand not knowing how he’s doing after his surgery. He’s doing well, and I’m grateful for that. But I couldn’t just let go and let God. 

Part of me thinks I might just be holding myself to too high of a standard with regards to my bottom lines. I want to be able to be friends with a man without getting involved intimately. I want to be able to set boundaries and stick to them.

Of course, if that man is a qualifier - if he triggers my sex-love addiction - I’m obviously treading dangerously. My AA sponsor likens it to hanging out at the bar as an alcoholic and expecting to be able to not drink. Or it’s like going to the barbershop and expecting to not get a haircut. The fact is, why are you even there? Why this insistence on playing with fire, thinking you won’t get burned?

I’m grateful for my celibacy, and I don’t want to lose it. I haven’t been counting days, but it’s been at least a month. That’s the lowest of bottom lines for me, though. I’m working on changing the behavior that leads to sex before marriage - the behavior that will keep me from ever getting married or knowing true partnership with another human being at all.

Well, here are my new top and bottom lines, as I try to allow this friendship idea back in. 

SLAA Bottom Lines

Sobriety date 6/15/20

1. I will not obsess about a qualifier.
2. I will not obsessively contact a qualifier.
3. No flirting / dating / physical contact.
4. Pray for God’s will, not mine, to be done.

SLAA Top Lines

1. I will put myself first (business, recovery, therapy, hobbies & interests, self-care, etc).
2. I will put my real relationships first (kids, sister, nephews, AA, SLAA, church, girl friends, mom, etc).
3. I will let go and let God. I will not act on self-will.
4. I will be 100% honest / impeccable with my word and make my intentions very clear.
5. I won’t spend money or eat just to try to make myself feel better.
6. I will not post on social media just to try to get a qualifier’s attention. 
7. I will not check a qualifier’s social media profiles and I won’t check messaging apps to see if he’s active.
8. I will not check my phone just to see if a qualifier has contacted me.

I keep hoping that maybe if I’m open to friendships, one of those might lead to dating, and then a possible marriage partnership. I know myself well enough that dating - right now - is not going to work. As soon as I’m dating someone, it triggers the fantasy obsession of relationship and marriage, and I try to exert my will as much as possible to “make” it go there...going totally insane when it doesn’t. Of course, even friendship triggers the fantasy obsession of “some day” - so I’m using that as the first bottom line itself. “I will not obsess.” It probably means I’ll still be resetting my sobriety date every few hours - but maybe one of these days, that won’t be the case.