One Day at a Time

I stayed after last night’s AA meeting and hung out with three friends for at least an hour - it was something I sorely needed. This was our first in-person meeting since the start of COVID-19. Usually I leave right after the meeting and don’t stay for what’s called “fellowship.” I’m not a cigarette-smoker, and everyone who stays after the meeting is typically commiserating over a cigarette or two. So I usually don’t feel like I belong. This time, though, one of the members stopped me and said I should stay to hang out, so I did. This particular member does trigger my addiction to fantasy a bit, though - otherwise I probably wouldn’t have stayed. He’s older, with steel blue eyes, and always has something incredibly spiritual and wise to share.

We all ended up sharing about what we’re going through individually, and I found myself opening up about going to SLAA. They listened compassionately as I spoke of my love addiction and most recent obsession. Talking about it to them took a lot of its power away, and I left feeling a sense of freedom. Admitting that I was obsessed with this guy marrying me after we’d only been seeing each other three months, and that I ended it because we couldn’t keep my boundary of celibacy before marriage (and that I was still trying to get over the obsession of him) was freeing for me. Hanging out with them, I felt content, reaffirming that I don’t need to be in a relationship or be married to be happy. 

When I got home of course, I did have some fantasy about that blue-eyed AA member coming over to put my new bed together as I cook him Pad Thai - but at least I know better (today) than to act on that sort of thing. Progress.

Today I have my 2-hour Changing Abusive Patterns class, and I’m looking forward to it, as always. I get to be vulnerable in a group of women who have been damaged by childhood and are now addressing and redressing those childhood wounds in order to stop the pattern of abuse in our current lives. Before that, I have a huge to-do list for work that will keep me very busy, performing God’s work of providing for my clients. I’ll also find either an AA or an SLAA meeting on Zoom. Daily meetings are necessary for my sanity. And, I’ll call my sponsor, as I do every day, although it’s been about 3-4 days since she’s answered, but I’ll leave another check-in message if she’s still busy. It was also suggested that I call five people every day in the program, and I did get a new number from a girl last night - so I’ll call her too and see who else I can call. I’ll seek to comfort rather than to be comforted, to love than to be loved.

God’s will, not mine, be done.