The obsession that persists all throughout the day makes me completely unmanageable. I constantly react to my 3 year-old daughter with a short temper any time she wants or needs anything from me. Pretty much all I can think about, all day long, is the "qualifier" - the one who has most recently triggered my sex and love addiction.
This obsession is insidious. An SLAA meeting, an AA meeting, and a nap were my only reprieves. Other than those moments, there is a constant restlessness, irritability and discontentment from the withdrawal of not contacting or being contacted by him.
I feel the anger welled up inside every limb of my body. It's in my arms, hands and fingers. It's in my chest and throat and jaw. Gratefully I restrain myself physically with my daughter. But my anger comes out my mouth in reaction to whatever she says or does. I've apologized to my daughter at least twenty times today for snapping. I've made her cry over and over. This is no way to live, and I can't stand it. I'm going completely insane.
All I can think about is the fact that he just went through surgery, and I'm not even allowed to show him I care about him or contact him. I've broken my bottom lines before today over the last few days because I had to. I've reset my sex-love sobriety date every single day. But I'll never put 24 hours of withdrawal together this way. I'll never recover, and this pattern or powerlessness and unmanageability will repeat itself until the end of time.
I want to break things. Throw things. Scream and yell and cry. I know what it is. It's this crippling selfishness and need. This bottomless void.
I do believe that the only thing that can restore me to sanity is a Power greater than myself. This means I have to surrender everything. No matter how badly I want to contact him, I can't. This has to end, now. I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. I want to be free from this obsession. God, please remove my obsession. Please.
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