Obsessed

I’m sitting in my car in my driveway after my photo shoot, immobilized.

I guess this is why I shouldn’t contact qualifiers - now that I did, I just want to take it even further. Nothing is ever enough. I want to go lay in his bed with him and watch TV and sleep there, like our last night together over a month ago, when we didn’t have sex or hardly even touch - but we did kiss as more than friends before I left the next morning. I hugged him up against my driver’s side door, and he pulled himself into me using the handrails on top of the car, kissing me - we dove into each others’ mouths - and I felt every part of his body pressed against mine. All while having throughly discussed that we would “just be friends” before that. But the powerlessness kicked in on both of our parts. Leave it to me, a love addict, to attract a love-avoidant sex addict. I really must be a masochist.

Speaking of masochism (hey, BDSM!) - I’m great at sex. Incredibly great at it. It’s the way I’ve always gotten men to be with me. Because it’s so easy. Complete and utter, undeniable seduction. But it doesn’t make them “love” me or want to commit to me, of course. 

That’s why I’m insisting that the love and commitment come before sex. At least, that’s what I tell myself that I’m insisting. Get me alone with a sex addict, though, and our force fields draw us into each other - all willpower is gone. 

We’re all just selfish. God is the only one who can restore us. That means, yep, being willing to not go be alone with a sex addict while trying to delude myself into thinking “we’re just friends” and that “nothing is gonna happen.” I know damn well that the moment I feel his touch, I’ll be powerless, we’ll be physically intimate, and it’s going to trigger my fantasy obsession with marrying him for WEEKS. 

It almost seems like a cruel joke that God lets me be a wedding & engagement photographer for my career. But I know God isn’t cruel. He loves me and is teaching me more each day. I just have to be willing to not act on self-will. Thy will, not mine, be done!

I’m counting down the 23 minutes until the next AA meeting. I’m not allowing myself to succumb to this obsession of wanting to go over to the qualifier’s house. I need to put myself first! Why can’t I love myself enough to do that? Well, that’s something I’m just starting to learn about.