I Am Enough

I can't be in a relationship with someone who gets angry with me - other than my kids. I allow their anger, of course. I want them to know that they are safe to get and be angry, even with me. I recognize their "kid-ness," after all. I recognize that I've passed anger onto them from my own abused child-hood. 

I'm working to change the patterns of abuse - taking a 52-week course called "Changing Abusive Patterns" at the Center for Violence-Free Relationships. It's been a few months and I'm already seeing the progress within myself. This course, which is a group therapy setting, along with counseling sessions with my son as well as the 12-step program and (new) sponsor, are having such a positive impact on my life and steering me into the direction of the woman I want to be. 

I'm 46 days clean and sober after my July 9th relapse with #40. I had taken a hydroxyzine as prescribed for my anxiety before going over to cook for him again. While I was there he offered me a gabapentin, and I took a second hydroxyzine instead of a gabapentin. It was almost automatic. A "strange mental blank spot" our big book calls it. No defense whatsoever against the "first drink" - or 2nd drug. Or 40th man in eight years after my husband.

If you've been reading about me for long, you know my disease manifests in a trifecta of drink - drug - man. I haven't had a drink since my first AA meeting on January 19, 2012, then relapsed on weed on March 1st and got clean and sober again March 2, 2012...then relapsed on weed again in October 2015. Got clean and sober again before the year was over, relapsed again on weed in December 2015, got clean and sober January 17, 2016, and can't remember exactly when the next two relapses and clean-and-sober-ness occurred, but I would get about a year+ clean and sober and then relapse, repeat. Got clean and sober from weed for (I hope) the last time on April 6, 2019. Then July 9, took that second anxiety pill. July 10, 2020 is my new (and I pray to God, my last) clean and sober date. 

Alcohol, check. Drugs, check. Men? Well...

My highlighted post on the desktop version of this blog, on the right hand side, is my sex & relationship inventory. It also includes crushes, molests and rapes - really, any "intimate" interaction with a man, whether real or imagined.

I've known for years now - a total of 7+ - that I've needed to drop this last rock. Knowing that this last manifestation of my addiction hurts me (and others) doesn't stop me from responding affirmatively to any man who is even possibly the slightest bit interested in me. And knowing that any man who would be interested in me must also be sick doesn't enter into my consciousness with sufficient enough force to stop me from engaging. Something deep within the deep hole carved by the lack of love from my parents constantly cries out for attention and affection, even if that means I also have to deal with the anger that comes when I say or do something the man I've found to "fill it" doesn't like. 

Anger was a normal part of growing up, coming from my stepparents, so I confuse that with love, certainly. But, I'm sick and tired of it. As aforementioned, I'm trying to heal my own anger. I, really, no longer want to compound it with the anger of another adult human any more.

I've said "I'm done" countless times. As we alcoholic / addicts know, it takes what it takes. Last night, it took me saying, "I don't like it when you say [insert here]," and him (#41) reacting lividly. And it wasn't the first time he's gotten so angry with me that it ends with us "being done" with each other. It's happened every day or two in the past few weeks that we've been seeing each other (every day, addictively).

But this is just another repeat. The common denominator is me. I can't blame any of these men any more than I can blame any of the 18 sponsors I've had. Sick people are attracted to each other, I think.

I'm not healed yet, and I want nothing more than to be restored. Once I'm healed, I know won't be entering into a "committed partnership" after just a few weeks of getting to know someone. I won't be painting the red flags green - my red flags, or his.

The bottom line for me today - the deal-breaker that ended this relationship with #41 - is that I'm done with anger. It's going to be a long healing process (the 52-week class and 12 steps - again!). Gotta keep on trudging the road to Happy Destiny. I know I can do this.

I love my kids unconditionally, and I'm starting to finally love myself, unconditionally, too - enough to change the patterns of abuse. 

Because I am enough.

A Letter from My Higher Power

After Margaret killed herself and I endured the most excruciating pain in my life, I thought that, suddenly, I had become empathic. Suddenly I cared about people. It only lasted a week.

A week after she died, a guy asked me for my number, we went on a date, had sex, and all of a sudden I forgot what pain felt like.

I'm in a strange limbo, now. Do I want the pain back, or not? I've noticed that I've lost all empathy for my fellows. I sent an ex-boyfriend a link to my blog in response to his entreating, because, for some reason, I thought he should "know the truth." I thought that would be easier than just turning him down again. Well, easier for me, sure...but not for him.

He sent me a suicide email. I responded to that email with angry, high-and-mighty how-dare-you-after-what-I've-just-been-through tirades, and he sent me a new suicide email with a 5-year expiration date this time. I sent him more how-dare-yous. He responded with his own how-dare-you, and I responded with, "Eh, I stopped at 'how dare you.' It's just not even worth it. Lates, homes."

Where did my caring go? Am I just that numb that my ex could kill himself, and I'd just be all, "Been there, done that...whatevs."?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do from here. I just told one of my best friends that I'd gotten a suicide email from my ex after I sent him a link to my blog, expecting her to be on my side. Big surprise. She had to hang up, she was so disgusted with me. I upset her, big time.

I thought, "Whoa, is that what I'm supposed to be like? Like...care?" (Somehow I saw myself as the victim in this suicide email scenario.)

I know that if I stop dating this guy (who is now willing to not have sex until marriage, so it's so hard to say "no" to him now...he wants to take me to a play in Coronado tomorrow night)...I'll be a better person. But right now...I'm in "relapse mode".

[Time lapse]

Okay, I just got off the phone with my sponsor. I did cry, real tears, so that's good. And I feel pain again. She recognized that I'm creating wreckage, so she gave me this assignment: "Adora, I want you to write, right now, a letter to you from your higher power. What would God say to you about Margo, about this guy you're dating, about your ex? Then I want you to call me back and read it to me." I love my sponsor. She always reminds me about the ol' HP.

So, here goes:

Dear Adora (that's not your real name, but I'll humor you here),

Stop. Look up. Listen.

I gave you Margo so you could heal. I placed her right in front of you when you needed someone most. When you started recovering, though, you left her behind. You stopped spending time with her. You stopped helping her. You weren't doing My Will. So I took her away so you could feel, so you could learn to be there for others. I wanted you to experience real pain and sadness, and come through the other side of it with the true capacity to love. I had other reasons for Margo and for others, but those ones are for you. But you took that growth and learning opportunity away from yourself by dating this new guy. It's like Margo died for nothing. You aren't getting what you were supposed to out of it. In one week you were over her death, thanks to this...distraction...of yours. One week. You are back to being comfortably numb and blithely unaware of the messages I am trying to send to you, and you are no longer on the path I set you on. You've blocked yourself from the Sunlight of the Spirit once again.

You are really good at convincing yourself that everything on Earth is from Me. You say that "everything that happens" is My Will. Well, Adora, I've got news for you. Sometimes, it's your will. Sometimes, it's a man's will. It's not always Mine.

I'll make situations work for Me, sure. If you insist on going a certain direction, away from Me, I'll find a way to turn you back around. But it's a lot harder down those roads than if you would just walk with Me from the beginning. Usually, the lesson I give you then is much more painful. Wouldn't you rather get the blessings that come from staying by My Side?

Don't you trust Me?

I don't want you to hurt any one. And I don't want any one to hurt you, but I can't stop them. I can only work through you, if you let Me. But you have to let Me in, and keep Me there. I know it hurts sometimes. Life is painful when you don't use people or other things to make yourself feel better. But I'll make you feel better, if you trust Me and stay with Me. You don't need to lash out in anger at your fellows. They don't have Me with them when they are hurting you. But if you keep Me with you, they can't hurt you at all. Be My Love, even in the face of wrath, and you'll feel My Love.

You don't know what I have in store for you. That's okay. You don't have to know. Do you know how crazy you'd be if you knew the future? And what then would be the point of living? There'd be no surprises.

It's time for you to be honest. You haven't been completely honest with "James" because you are trying to get things from him. You are being selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. You haven't told him how terrible it makes you feel to date him, when you had given yourself the boundaries of no dating until you've completed your relationship inventory and no sex until marriage (and you broke both with him). You're just so focused on the end result that you envision for yourself. You want to be married to a successful, spiritual man who will treat you with respect...and save you. More news: "James" may not be as spiritual as you project. Does he pray morning and night, asking for knowledge of My Will and the power to carry it out? Does he carry the vision of My Will into all of his activities? Does he take his own moral inventory, and serve others, or does he do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, for himself? You don't even know the answers to these questions. Worst of all, you are giving up going to meetings to date him. Please stop.

I know fantasy is more appealing than reality. But you got off the merry-go-round before, and you can do it again. I won't push you off -- but you're welcome to get off yourself, any time you'd like, when you're ready to come back to Me. Take the leap of faith. I'll hold your hand, and I won't let go -- if you won't.

Love,

GOD