"Surviving Borderline Personality Disorder" blog: Love - The Antidote to Fear

One of my symptoms includes paranoia. Any one who's ever smoked weed can understand this, but imagine being high all the time, without being able to sober up. It would get old, don't you think? After all, the purpose of smoking weed, or drinking, or popping E or whatever the hell you people do (and okay, I used to do a LOT of) is to experience an alternate reality. If you can't change that reality, then what?

With Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm learning to recognize my symptoms and accept them for what they are but not take any action based on them. And when I use the term "paranoia," you might imagine that I'm expecting the government to swoop in and take all my stuff, or that the super volcano under Yellowstone is gonna erupt any minute, or that I'm gonna die of Ebola...but it's not quite that bad. It just means I'm way too worried about what you think of me and I'm really scared about possible futures involving you that may or may not take place. Eww.

Here's how "paranoia" is defined by Wikipedia:

"Paranoia is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.^[1]Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me"). Paranoia is distinct from phobias, which also involve irrational fear, but usually no blame. Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, an incident most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a paranoid person might believe was intentional."

I love knowing that this is part of my BPD so that I can not take any action based on this symptom. For example, people with BPD tend to make frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and this is one reason they experience unstable relationships. They let the illusions in their minds take them over. "You don't like me, and you're gonna leave me, so I'm gonna end it now." "You're gonna fire me, because I'm not good enough, so I'm just gonna quit now." "I'm not gonna do well at this; I suck worse than everyone, so I'm not even gonna try." BPD also involves black or white thinking, vilification, and delusions.

In "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo, I found a very practical answer to this dilemma, which is also emphasized in don Miguel Ruiz' "The Mastery of Love" and by many another spiritual guru throughout the ages, and that is:

Love is the antidote to Fear.

It's something I never understood until I began putting it into practice, but it's provided so much relief. I love what is, and I love you.

Simple...but not easy. You people still be cray-cray. Jay kay. (Well...every one kind of is a little crazy, to be honest. There really isn't any truth to the concept of "us" and "them" - but I'll save that for another post.)

Before I can love what is, though, I have to get myself out of my head where the delusions live, carrying around their little pitchforks and telling me to fear and despise everything and everyone, and get back into reality, where shit's generally actually totally fine and normal. So I ask myself, what is real, right now? Are the thoughts inside my head actually based on reality - is something "bad" actually happening in this moment? I look to see what's right in front of me. If something does suck, then I change it if I can, and if not, then I love the shit out of it. (I have to be able to recognize what I can and can't change, though - that's crucial.)

Easier said than done. But, David Richo provides a fool-proof love formula that consists of 5 "A's": Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. I love "what is" by giving it my full attention, accepting whatever is happening, and even appreciating what's happening. Loving a person involves another two "A's"; affection is pretty self-explanatory, and when Richo writes of "allowing," he's referring to a process by which we allow someone the freedom to live in accord with his or her deepest needs or wishes. When I'm loving a person in this way, it really doesn't matter if that person likes me or doesn't or gives me what I want or doesn't. In that moment, when I choose to love that person, it completely erases my fear about the person and the situation. It gives him or her no power over my sanity. It takes him or her off the pedestal. But I'm still respecting the person, see. I'm not placing myself above him or her, but rather, I'm putting us on a plane of neutrality where I accept him or her as exactly he or she is and let him or her do whatever he or she needs.

In reality, yes, relationships do change. If it's an employee who isn't doing what I need him or her to do, I give that person the ultimatum and if he or she still can't or won't perform, I have to move on (California is an At-Will Employment state). If he's a significant other and decides I'm not his cup of tea (or vodka) and decides to walk away, or there's something about him that's making me completely insane that I can't accept, I have to move on. If he or she is a boss and fires me (there's At-Will again), I have to move on. If he or she is a friend and doesn't want to be my friend any more for whatever reason, I have to move on. Et cetera, ad infinitum.

But until any of that actually happens, I have to take a good look at this very moment and make sure I'm not creating unnecessary instability. Surviving and recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder means I have to not take action based on paranoia and delusions, and that I try to maintain stable relationships instead of pre-emptively destroying them based on illusions and fear. Sometimes I fight it all day long. But one thing's for sure: I much prefer being in love to being in fear. It just makes life...awesome. :)

"Surviving Borderline Personality Disorder" blog: Getting Started

I've added a list of resources for BPD and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) on the right side of my blog. I've gone ahead and used Marsha Linehan's BehavioralTech website to find a DBT therapist in San Diego. I've used the contact forms at both websites and will see where I can get into first; I think they both have waiting lists.

I've had three therapists in the last few years, but none of them have "worked" for me, and now I understand why. I tend to devalue people as one of my symptoms; I trust no one. I think having a therapist trained specifically in how to handle patients with BPD is going to be crucial for my recovery.

Both of my last boyfriends have tried to help me, but, of course, I vilify boyfriends, so it doesn't work out. I rush into relationships because "I can't be alone;" then, I sabotage relationships because "no one is good enough for me," and "they're probably going to leave me any way" because "I'm not good enough for them," either, and then, when the relationship is over, I feel "completely lost, empty and worthless" because "I'm not worth anyone's love". I'm so tired of this pattern of unstable relationships. I really thought it would work out with my last boyfriend because he graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Psychology, and he was especially interested in mindfulness and existentialism. I thought that that would mean he'd be able to handle me, but, after four break-ups, he decided it was just too much, as guys do once they understand what it means to be with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'd really like the opportunity to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship with someone. But before that, I know I need to learn to be happy on my own. Or, perhaps, instead of learning how to "be happy," I need to learn how to handle these thoughts and emotions in ways that don't hurt myself or others. I have been trying to use lots of tools so far: The 12 Steps by Bill Wilson, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo, The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz, mindfulness, and the teachings of Jesus Christ. But, it's really time to get professional help by those with experience with BPD. The therapist who diagnosed me didn't have any experience with it, and I'm grateful she was able to get me started, but I'm ready to take my recovery much further.

"Surviving Borderline Personality Disorder" blog: My First Post!

I've always been a writer...well, ever since I could write. When I was five, I wrote poems and greeting cards. When I was ten, I began writing autobiographically about my mom's abusive boyfriend and my dad's abusive girlfriend. For the past few years, I've written a bit about my divorce (I was with my husband for ten years) and some of my failed relationships afterwards (all of them have failed) in a private blog under a nom-de-plume. Now, I'm 32, and having just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on April 20, 2015, after a couple of decades of symptoms, I've decided to write about this illness, as part of my recovery.

I had been experiencing a suicidal depression from October 2014 to March 2015, until a couple of people mentioned the possibility of me having BPD, based on what they knew about me. I didn't pay much attention to it, at first, when a friend, who also happened to be a military psychologist, mentioned it to me in January 2015, shortly after I met her. I figured she probably wanted to diagnose everyone with something; it's what psychologists do, after all (I thought). But, then, an ex-boyfriend, who didn't even know the psychologist friend of mine, also brought it up, in March 2015, and that's when it really caught my attention. 

I had to concede that I matched every symptom for BPD. I wanted it not to be true; I took multiple "tests" online hoping to find some loophole, but, no matter what, I related to everything I read about it. The symptoms were thus:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Before my official diagnosis by my therapist on April 20, 2015, I had gotten to a point that, every day, I was begging God to help me please not wake up. I didn't have it in me to take my own life, having a now-six year-old son. I didn't want to affect him that way, for him to go through life having had a mother who took herself out. But I had ended every relationship I had started, quit both my jobs, deactivated my facebook page and got off all social media, changed my phone number and all my email addresses, become a recluse, and begun engaging in extremely risky behavior that was harmful to myself.

After the diagnosis, I actually felt a sigh of relief. I was, and am, glad that there's a reason I felt, and feel, the way I do, every day. I've been doing what I can to recover, so far, and I'm happy to say that I no longer have a death wish. I've experienced some setbacks, and it hasn't been easy, but I've made my way back into society as a functioning member, for the most part (at least on the outside).

I'm going to use this blog to track my progress, write about my experiences, and hold myself accountable. I'll write about my symptoms as they occur, the tools I use to deal with them, and the choices I do or don't make in the face of them. My hope is to increase the awareness of this disorder, not just for myself, but, perhaps, to help any fellow sufferers out there. I know exposing myself will open me up to stigmatization, but, I feel hopeful that my condition will continue to improve as I utilize the many resources available to people like me. 

Thanks for joining me and being a part of my journey, and may peace and joy be yours and mine!