I watched an amazing show last night on TLC with my boyfriend and saw this guy who hadn't left his house in like ten years because of PTSD. (Click here for full episode.) My situation isn't as extreme as his, but, I have a lot of PTSD from my abusive childhood and the abusive relationships I've been in, and, I deal with social anxiety on a daily basis. I've also recovered from a suicidal depression that lasted from October 2014 to April 2015. I don't talk about it much because there's a huge stigma associated with mental illness. There's a tendency to blame and fear the sufferers, and there's the idea that these people are merely shells of human beings that will collapse under the weight of life at any moment, so it's best not to invest much time in them and to keep your distance. And maybe that's true, to some extent. I know I collapsed earlier this year and I've been slowly - but surely - getting back up again.
Because of the stigma, I hid my depression from almost everyone. When I disappeared in March from family, friends, jobs, and church - changing my phone number, email addresses, and deactivating all social media - some people were angry with me, some were worried about me, some were both, and some didn't even notice. I do want to say I'm sorry to those of you who care for me and just want to see me thrive, even though my brain convinced me that I had nothing to offer this world and should just leave it. I also want to say I'm sorry to those of you from whom, even now, I try to hide my mental illness with the hope that you'll think I'm just a badass human being. Yes, there's a stigma, but letting you know about it is better than blind-siding you with it when I start experiencing symptoms, because there's no hiding it then.
I'm doing the best I can - with lots of help - not to act on symptoms and function and thrive in society. It's been a year since my suicidal depression started and five months since it ended; I'm proof that you can survive and recover from any mental illness, no matter how you feel - even if, every single day, you don't want to exist any more, with no end in sight - you just have to hold on and get help (I promise, there's at least one person who's been through it and understands). And then that beautiful day comes, maybe after months, when you realize, "Hey, I've made it, and I have a purpose here on this Earth after all; I'm not finished yet."
I didn't work at the restaurant today (I'm so grateful to have found a job making pizza, because it's simple, I'm great at it, and it's so perfect for someone like me). So, to continue to thrive as a human being, I updated my website: [deleted] (I'll purchase a new domain name in a few days when I get paid). It's simple for now, but I'm hoping to catch some work here and there using my many talents, like I was before the depression hit, and eventually it'll be full of all of the amazing things I'm doing. :)
For now, though, I'm going to do laundry, put clothes away, put dishes away, vacuum, clean the apartment, cook something, and make this a nice, relaxing place for my hard-working, amazing boyfriend to come home to. I can't believe I'm in a relationship with someone so spectacular - so I want to nourish that, too.
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