7 Ways to Avoid Getting Into a Bad Relationship

1. Be honest.

Too often we find ourselves "acting" a certain way to attract a mate. We're nicer than we'd like to be. We tell little "white" lies about ourselves, or we hide things. We laugh when something isn't all that funny. We lie when something hurts our feelings, saying, "It's fine." We delude ourselves into thinking that "this" one could be the one, before we've done the research. Some of us are so desperate to get away from our lonely selves that we'll do anything to latch onto another person - any one - including not be ourselves. Then, there comes a point down the line when the facade is broken; we just can't bring ourselves to lie any more. By then, we're months deep into a relationship with a person who doesn't even know who we really are - and chances are, we have no idea who he or she is, either (because all we wanted was to be "loved"). Ultimately, we find ourselves crawling out of our skin. We hit our breaking point, and we explode suddenly, surprising the other with some act of defiance, because the whole time, he or she never knew what was truly going on in this head of ours. Sure, we got someone to "fall in love" with us, we're no longer "alone" - but at what cost? We're not really the person our significant other "got to know" in the first place, which not only makes for a very bad relationship, it means we have to hurt that person for us to be happy again.

Save yourself this trouble by being completely honest right up front. I know, it's hard to say certain things. Some of those things might be, "I'm separated from my wife, but we're not yet legally divorced." Or, "I have a child who needs much of my attention, so I won't be able to give as much attention to a significant other right now." Or instead of saying, "No, I hardly date at all" to try and make him feel special or think you're more "pure", tell the truth, and say, "Yes, I've dated quite a bit over the past few years, but nothing has worked out"; or if the opposite is true - if you're trying to make her think you're a stud, don't - just say, "No, I haven't dated much lately; as a matter of fact, this is only the second date I've been on in the last year."

The list can go on and on. "No, I'm not interested in being exclusive right away. I'm just looking for something casual, a good time once in awhile." "I'm a recovering alcoholic and I go to meetings every day; it's a huge part of my life." "I'm Catholic and I want to be with another Catholic." "I see a psychiatrist and take medication for schizophrenia; it's a very misunderstood disorder." "I'm looking for someone willing to be a stepfather to my kids." "I may be ready to settle down with someone in a few years, but for right now I'm too busy working on myself, and probably shouldn't even be dating."

The first step of course is to be honest with yourself. If you think you want one thing, look again. Play the tape forward. Before you even go on a first date - what exactly are you looking for? Where do you want to be in a year? Two years? Ten years? What are you willing to sacrifice? What are you not willing to sacrifice?

Whatever track you're on - once you figure it out - tell the person exactly what it is, and what your goals and intentions are. Yes, it may mean you don't get into a relationship with the person, or you don't get "laid". I know, you may not be able to see it now, exhilarated by the excitement of a new prospect - having someone interested in you can be very tantalizing - but being 100% honest is better than, again, letting someone fall in love a "you" that you aren't and can't be. You may not think you're even looking for love, but you have no control over the feelings of another person. So let the other person make an informed decision from the very beginning. It's the right thing to do, and you'll be doing both yourself, and him or her, a huge favor.

2. Love yourself first.

A good relationship develops naturally, over time. It isn't characterized by need or desperation. Do the things that you want to do. If you're a writer, write. If you're a photographer, go to the ends of the earth - or at least the county - for amazing photographs. If you are starting your own business, pour yourself into it and don't give up. Don't focus all of your energy on linking up with someone else, because guess what - it'll work, and you'll enormously regret wasting all of that energy you could have spent bettering your own life...and it won't be a good relationship! You'll end up resenting the other person, in the end, because you gave up so much to be with him or her. But if you remain true to yourself, do what makes you happy, and be honest with the other person, you may be surprised at what develops. On the other hand, if you jump into a whirlwind relationship and ignore yourself and your other desires and needs, it can burn out pretty quickly, and burn you out in the process. Keep this important tidbit in mind: If you don't have anything to give to yourself - if you can't make yourself happy - you have nothing to offer someone in a relationship.

If you love yourself first, however, you'll attract someone who also loves him or herself, and that's someone you'll want to be with - not a self-loather, a self-pitier. The latter is one who will be insecure, needy, clingy, someone who says bad things about other people because he or she doesn't like him or herself. That's the kind of person who will be afraid you're going to leave him or her for someone else any time you leave his or her house. If you don't like yourself, you'll attract this person, and you'll become each others' prisoners. Love yourself enough not to let this happen!

3. Be financially self-supporting.

Or at least, do your best to try to become self-supporting. People who don't support themselves financially are more likely to "need" someone else. And beware - "need" isn't love. I have two book recommendations for becoming financially stable: What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles and How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis. Take your time building yourself up so that no one can bring you down. In a sick relationship, if the other person is taking care of you, chances are he or she is rubbing it in and making you feel bad about it - but you need that person, so you can't do anything about it, right? Well, you know the saying, "If you love me, you'll let me go"? Apply it to your relationship. Start doing your own thing; make money for yourself doing something you love and are good at. See how your significant other reacts, and look for this warning sign: if he or she doesn't like you being happy "without" him or her - then it isn't love. You know the song, "Love hurts"? No, it doesn't. And that's another thing...

4. Don't take relationship advice from pop songs. 

They're riddled with messages of codependency. Read books instead (if you can afford them; if not, try to get the ones from #3 first, somehow). The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle are probably the two best self-help books out there for people feeling empty, alone and in need of a "significant other" for fulfillment and happiness. Miguel Ruiz teaches you how to truly love yourself and others (I love this line: "If you have a cat and you want a dog, get a dog"). If you apply what he teaches, you will never again be in "need" of anyone's love, ever again. Eckhart Tolle teaches you how to let go of the past and the future so that you can be happy, right now. And, again, if you're happy and fulfilled, you'll find yourself attracting someone else who is happy and fulfilled (but of course, you may just become so happy and fulfilled on your own that you want to keep it that way!).

5. Stay at your own place.

When we get into a new relationship, it's easy to get swept off our feet and over the threshold. We just can't get enough of what the other person has to offer - it just feels so good, and it's so hard to say "No". But do your best to sleep in your own bed and have the other person do the same. Otherwise, lines will be blurred, and you'll find yourself living with someone else before you're actually ready, or you'll have someone else living with you before you're ready to make that very big step that should be discussed at length - with words - before it's taken.

It's important to hold onto your individuality as you get to know someone else, especially if you have a hard time being honest, loving yourself, and supporting yourself financially. It's very difficult to be honest with someone else if you don't have time and space to think on your own. It's hard to love yourself if you have someone else around all the time needing your love. And if you aren't fully self-supporting financially (or if he or she isn't - it works both ways), you're going to end up either relying on someone or taking care of someone before you really get to know him or her or let him or her get to know you. And then you're in for a difficult change when you realize that you aren't compatible after all, when you actually-truly-finally get to know each other's "real" self.

I say, if you haven't accomplished steps 1-3, don't even think about moving in with someone (and if they haven't accomplished #1-3, don't let him or her stay with you!). I'm sorry to say this, but, spending three to four nights a week with someone does pretty much constitute living there. Trust me, I know from my own experience how difficult it is to take it slow with a person you suddenly have very strong feelings for and who appears to be totally amazing (and you just want to be around that person all the time). I'm the type who often, very early on, wants to just skip the dating process, nail him down and say "I love you" and "I do". But that's never worked out for me, because, honestly - I'm still not honest enough, I don't love myself as much as I could, and I'm not as stable financially as I'd like to be. So I'm passing along my learning to you, dear reader, from my own vault of experiences; take it or leave it. If you leave it, then you'll learn from your own experiences, which will still be very valuable to you (and will confirm what I'm telling you here).

6. Set boundaries.

Being honest with someone includes stating when something makes you feel uncomfortable; setting boundaries means standing your ground and not engaging in said uncomfortable activity, or enabling behavior that makes you feel bad. It's not caving in; it's being true to yourself. You're allowed to put yourself first, and someone who is sane will respect you for it. Unless it's your child or someone you love who truly cannot take care of him or herself, putting someone else first is called "codependency" (something I mentioned in #4). It means you have to make someone else happy just so you feel okay (or, it means someone else has to be responsible for your happiness in order for him or her to feel okay). For more information about codependency, visit the Mental Health America website.

As I said before, it's difficult to say "No". But it can be the very thing that maintains your happiness. Even though it'll feel horrible to say at first, once you feel and appreciate your own love for yourself, you'll never again want to let anyone take that away from you. For further illustration, there's a very good article in the November 2013 issue of Psychology Today called The Power of No. Says author Judith Sills, Ph.D, "No is both the tool and the barrier by which we establish and maintain the distinct perimeter of the self." Perimeter = boundary. Self = you. Now that you know what love is, thanks to don Miguel Ruiz, love that self of yours. Protect it. It's all you've got, really.

7. Take special consideration when dealing with mental and emotional disorders.

Whether we admit it or not - and most of us won't - all human beings are "sick" in some way. But some are sicker than others. Yes, we ought to be kind, compassionate, and understanding with people diagnosed with grave mental and emotional disorders. And they, too, "deserve" happiness - but not at the expense of our own. Before you get involved with someone either diagnosed or perhaps not yet diagnosed with a mental or emotional disorder (sometimes you just can't help with whom you fall in love), you need to be willing to work extra hard to maintain your own sanity (which, believe me, will be tested).

First, if you are someone diagnosed with one or more mental and emotional disorders, I'm sorry for your lot, but do yourself and everyone around you a favor and please, keep seeing your psychiatrist. Or, if you don't like your current psychiatrist, find another one. But don't one day just decide to go off your meds because you don't like taking them any more, or stop seeing your psychiatrist because you don't like him or her, or maybe you can't afford the treatment any more (in which case, see #4). You are in control of your own self and make your own decisions, but, if want an intimate relationship with another human being to work, you need to be honest about your condition from the very beginning. Discuss not only what you do for maintenance but also any change in treatment you may be considering and what effect it may have. What you do will affect someone in a relationship with you (see #1). And, I'm sorry, but you'll need to accept it if your date or significant other doesn't feel able to deal with a different version of you than the one he or she has come to know under your current treatment.

On the other side of the table, if you choose to date someone with say, bipolar disorder, do the research on the disorder. Are you able to keep your calm and be kind and compassionate when your significant other experiences his or her manic highs or depressive lows? Being in a relationship with someone with a physical imbalance of the brain can be very difficult and taxing emotionally, but you'll have to accept certain things you cannot change. Perhaps it's anxiety, and your significant other can't join you in any social situations. Perhaps it's a sleep disorder, and the person can't help but stay awake until 3 am and only sleep until 7 am on certain days. Perhaps it's obsessive-compulsivity, and he or she has a really hard time when you move his or her stapler - I mean a really hard time. Whatever the disorder (or cocktail thereof), just be sure you're ready to handle it kindly, lovingly, and calmly, because you are going to have to be the "sane" one.



Thanks for reading my first advice post! I've decided to throw these in once in awhile in between posting about my memoir or my own relationship foibles. I'm hoping to have less of the latter, under my "new awareness". Here's hoping!

More About the Pizza Delivery Boyfriend and the Satellite Communications Engineer

The first of the new year is a time, I've noticed, for many writers, myself no exception, to ponder especially deeply about what it is they're writing about, and why they're writing. Ray Rhamey postulates at his writing blog, Flogging the Quill, "The start of the new year is often a time folks resolve to do things, sometimes differently, sometimes new, in the coming year. At the least, it's a time to reflect on where you are now and where you want to go." After my last post, I'd like to say that where I've been and where I'd like to go don't really matter - since the only Time there is is Now - but then I'd have absolutely no reason to write, whatsoever. I know I need to get off the existential soapbox and get back to writing stories. My stories are about relationships, "love", sex, and while not always true with a "capital T", they come from my own experiences and my own perspective. And writing about them is what's happening now, for me. 

I do want to make sure I watch my grammar - I think. At The Huffington Post's "Grammarly" blog, the Grammarly Editor shared 7 Grammar Mistakes we're all probably making, based on the errors found in the 300,000+ novels written this past November during National Novel Writing Month. But, from what I can tell, I don't have an issue with any of these: missing commas, run-on sentences, comma splices, comma misuse, and missing articles. But these, I'm not so sure about: definite vs indefinite article use (meticulous use of "a/an" vs "the") and redundant articles (repeating the article when unnecessary: "I want a car, a plane, a boat, a train"). I do know I use a lot of sentence fragments. Sometimes I just like to write the way I speak. I'd never use a sentence fragment in a formal paper. 

If you'd really like to see someone break the rules, read Goat by Brad Land. An author, "Matt," offers a "ruthless review" of the memoir...but it's on website called "Ruthless Reviews", so there ya go - it's their shtick. I was particularly fond of Goat. I appreciate breaking writing rules - as long as one knows he or she is breaking them. And when I break them, I do know, at least, for the most part - but I'm always worried about whether the reader knows that I know. But Brad Land gave me the permission say 'never mind - fuck you'. And I like that. Or do I? Okay - I still don't know.

However I'm writing, I still struggle a slight bit with what I'm writing about - I know what I'm writing about, and it's cool with me, but, does any body else care, and is any body even reading it? In literary agent Janet Reid's blog about writing, one of her latest posts included a question from a reader: "What the hell am I supposed to blog about?" Her answer summarily was this: Don't blog. Janet recommends facebook or twitter for aspiring writers to get their names out there. Well, I can't really do that. I can't have all my friends reading about my sex life. My friends include professors, bosses, church leaders, family, etc. So, I write under a pseudonym. It limits my audience for me to be writing memoir as it actually happens. I imagine it wouldn't matter if I were writing about childhood, or about my marriage that ended two years ago, but I'm writing about the guy I fucked yesterday (well, not today - maybe in the next post).

And why am I writing? Well, I'm not really trying to get my "name" out there; I just want my "writing" out there. I'm not interested in joining NaNoWriMo. If I were to write a novel, it wouldn't be over the course of just a month - I'm too much of a perfectionist for that. And if I do write a novel, I'll use my real name. I've considered that, actually. I've even thought of turning Adora Fallbrook into a character and writing about her in the third person, or maybe still in the first person and changing things enough so that she isn't too close to "me". I'm already doing that with my "characters", in a sense: when I write about the men I've been with, I'm not focusing so much on "who" they really "are", but on my perspective of them and the events that transpired between us. And that perspective changes all the time, so I might write something about one of them, and then my perspective changes, and so that writing is no longer "true", if it ever was, any way.

For example: I wrote about The Shakespeare Connoisseur under the assumption that he had had ulterior motives. He's an older man with money, so I called him a "sugar daddy" because he took me out to a Shakespeare play and frequently to brunch, and he had wanted to help me out with my poorly-running car. But I told him about what had happened between me and The Propane Truck Driver ("Sterling" and I had had sex and four days later he had told me he had herpes), and The Shakespeare Connoisseur, "Deniro", stopped contacting me. I therefore assumed, despite his assurances, that what he'd wanted from me wasn't just my company or to help me. I was resentful when I wrote the post about him.

But, then, I did hear from him some time later. He asked how I was doing, and I told him that I was short $1043.00 for next semester's tuition, so I was trying to decide whether or not I would continue school. Despite my fears about him, he was something of a mentor to me, and I decided to go ahead and ask him for a loan, and give him the benefit of the doubt - or ignore my prior assumption - and hope for the best. We had lunch together again, and I told him about my blog, and about my "problems" with men. He offered this as a provision for the loan: that I maintain no more than two relationships with men at any given time, and keep him abreast of my situation.

I had, prior to that, joined a group for "sex and love addicts", and it was suggested to me there to go through a "withdrawal" period and not be with any men. So that's what I was attempting to do. But, then, like a little girl from her dad, I got "permission" from Deniro to see not just one man but two. "Who will they be?" I thought. Well, that same day I was entreated by both #1, The Pizza Delivery Boyfriend and #29, The Satellite Communications Engineer/Composer, so there I had my two. I've spent most of my time with #1, with #29 waiting, asking me frequently when we might meet. And I'd planned on meeting with him today - but I have #1 in my house at the moment. And #1 watched my son for me yesterday while I took a friend to see her neurosurgeon, because she walks with a walker and doesn't drive, for 6 hours. So now my conscience is weighing heavily upon me, as it is wont to do.

Also, speaking of conscience - I hadn't the slightest inkling of it when I gave #25 my blog url. Interestingly enough, I've also given it to #1 and #29, in the interest of "honesty". I thought #25 might like to comment on my writing, and see more "in depth" the nature of what I thought to be my problem. Only, my mind somehow completely omitted the fact that I'd written about #25 in not the best light. In a terrible light, rather.

He was terribly offended, naturally. It brought the end of the relationship. I'm to mail him his check for repayment and his Ron Paul book (he was educating me in politics), and that's that.

So...back to the "why" of my writing - I had originally begun writing as a way to analyze my relationships and sex/love life, but chose a blog format so that I could share it with "the world". Of course, I'm writing from my own perspective. Perhaps, as an exercise both in creative writing and in humanitarianism, I should write from one of their perspectives soon.

Now that'll be interesting.

Oh, and PS: I remembered another guy to add to the list. He's The Christian Airplane Mechanic. I just went over to his house a few times and we went shopping at Home Depot together once. It was at another time when I was trying not to date, and so I maintained the relationship at the platonic level. But I definitely need to include him. I can't leave any one out. I just won't give him the url. I don't want to lose any more friends. But oh well. That's being a memoirist in real time for ya.

Happy New Year!

More About My Childhood, Marriage, Divorce, and Sobriety

I'm feeling rebellious today. Rebellious in the sense that I don't care that this is a sentence fragment. Rebellious in that I want to just be totally honest. True to myself.

I've always been an "A" student. What that means for me, is, I want everyone to like me, especially those in power. You teach me, I absorb what you teach and spit it back to you just the way you want it, you give me an "A", and we're both happy...except that I just had to bust my ass to please you and your bosses, and that's no fun. And guess what: I didn't actually learn anything. I absorbed what you were saying just long enough to release it back to you the way you wanted it (yes, like a sponge...clichés exist for a reason), and I went along my merry way very grateful that you like me now.

I give you all the power in the world. You are God. You must like me, or I die.



Things have changed for me in that regard. With the help of a spiritual awakening, I've realized that you are not God. You are imperfect. Your word isn't Gospel. You have no power over me. All power comes from something greater than both of us. And yet we are all One, One with everything. My molecules and atoms, my keyboards' molecules and atoms...the hairs on my arm, the leaves on a tree, you - it's all the same.

And the only time there is is Now. When you talk about the past, you are denying the present, unless the past has some direct usefulness to Now. When you talk about the future, you are illusioning (I turned "illusion" into a verb), unless you are actually taking a step Now toward a future goal (and the "end" is not real, only the "means", right Now). (Eckhart Tolle)

I've been running around to various groups of people trying to get "help". "I'm not good enough." "I don't have the answers -- you must have them." "I can't do this on my own." Thank you, every one; you have helped me. Thank you for showing me just how fallible humans are. Thank you for showing me that the only real answer lies beyond us all. And yet, it's not beyond us. It's within us each. I can look within, instead of only looking to you. My own Being is worth something. The "something greater" doesn't necessarily mean something "beyond" or "without". The something within is connected to something greater. And the "something greater" isn't the words that come out of your mouth (I know, awkward noun-verb agreement), unless you connect yourself to it first before you speak. I know not to "listen" to you, now, if what you are saying isn't...True. If you know what Truth is, then I might "listen" to you, if I know what's good for me. But if not, I won't...if I know what's good for me. And I'm starting to know what's good for me = not "listening" to everything everybody says all the time. (The term "listen" I use to mean, "take what people say as True".)



I grew up with a neglectful, alcoholic mother and her abusive, alcoholic boyfriend. Then, I lived with my neglectful, insane dad and his abusive, meth-addicted girlfriend. In both households, I was a "stupid little bitch" who needed to "shut her goddamn mouth."

Teachers in school were the only ones who showed me kindness. They transmitted "knowledge," and if I was able to re-transmit that "knowledge" back to them just the way they transmitted it to me, I earned a mark of excellence that signified success, approval. Knowledge gave me the power to earn what I really wanted: Love.

I had few friends; kids who don't get good grades don't like kids who do. You have to make a choice - don't get good grades, and be "loved" by the masses, or get good grades, and be "loved" by the teachers. Teachers were the ones in power; their "love" was worth more. And their "love" more closely resembled the kind of Love I wished I could have gotten from either of my parents, the adults in my life who were supposed to Love me.



So I did my homework in the classrooms at lunch instead of socialize. Then, when I was 17, my younger sister, also desperately in need of Love (but who chose "love" from friends over "love" from teachers), came to live with me at our grandma's house. Because she was "loved" by friends, she was invited to parties. I had a job and a car, so I took her to these parties. There was alcohol available. I drank and I socialized, and for the first time in my life, people my age "loved" me, and it felt wonderful. My senior year of high school marked the beginning of my double-life. I still strove for good grades so I could be "loved" by teachers, but I still went to parties and drank so I could be "loved" by peers. I was accepted to UC Berkeley, UC San Diego, UCLA, USC...and drove me, my sister, and my cousin home drunk nearly every weekend.

Then I met the alcoholic, heroin-addicted boy who would become my new best friend and later my boyfriend and later my husband. He Loved me very, very much, and I him. After I went off to (what in this blog I call SDSU, or UCLA; not sure which one I've chosen to falsely represent the real) college, my boyfriend got kicked out of his mom's house when she found some heroin in his drawer, and he came to live with me in my dorm room. I couldn't keep my grades up; I chose his Love over my teachers' "love" (it felt better, real), and dropped out, moved in with him at his grandma's house, went to a community college, and worked part-time. Later, he started to get his "Indian money" (his dad, who abandoned him and his mother after his birth, was from a tribe whose casino earned their members a good few grand a month; his dad enrolled him as a member before his dad took off), and we moved into a house together. My double-life continued, as I earned straight A's in school, tutored English, Algebra and Geometry for AVID at my high school alma mater...and was sometimes up til 3 am wandering the town as we waited for our heroin hook-up to bring us dope.



My boyfriend had been raised by a single, alcoholic, abusive mother and (because his dad was gone) her alcoholic, abusive father (although, his grandfather showed him Love and not the abuse he'd shown his children). When we were together, I became the alcoholic, drug-addicted abusive girlfriend/wife and he became the alcoholic, drug-addicted, abusive boyfriend/husband.

Then we had a child.

I couldn't let our child grow up in an alcoholic, drug-addled, abusive home. Absolutely 100% NO FUCKING WAY was I going to repeat the cycle for my son. It took a couple of years though, for things to finally change. We tried counseling, 12-step programs - but the one thing that we were trying to change - the fighting - was a result of the one thing we refused to change - the drinking (we had quit the heroin years before our son was conceived...and I managed to not drink while I was pregnant, but boy was I pissed).

I wasn't getting my husband's Love anymore, so - I needed to drink.  And I was determined that I could control my drinking, if only I just [insert anything imaginable]. Besides, my drinking wasn't as bad as his, so mine must not be that bad, right? It never occurred to us that the only way to control our drinking was not to drink in the first place. "To control and enjoy his drinking is the greatest obsession of every alcoholic." (Big Book, ch. 3). As alcoholics, we have an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. Once we take one drink, we develop what's known as the "phenomenon of craving". And that phenomenon is more powerful than we are.



I'm glad that I can report that we're both sober today. Unfortunately, we didn't get sober until after I left him and filed for divorce, two years and two-and-a-half months ago (on October 10, 2011). He's 5 months sober now, and I'm 22 months sober; he's had a harder go of it than I, but he also got started much younger: his mom offered him his first drink at age 8. He got into her marijuana by 10 and was using heroin, thanks to the local gang, by 12. But after 4 rehabs and a stint in jail, he's doing quite marvelously. We share custody of our son, who's now 4...and if we're lucky, won't end up nearly as fucked up as we.

I'm grateful to recovery groups, especially the one that shall not be named (per its traditions). My ex-husband is more involved in an outpatient rehabilitation program that focuses on chemical dependency and depression, and that's what's working for him. But for me, the 12 steps, meetings and sponsorship have been making possible for me to not drink or use, one day at a time. What I'll simply call "The Program" (in honor of the 11th tradition, which states, Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films) has also taught me how to simply "live life" (which is good, since I didn't have anyone else to teach me that while growing up...I was only taught to regurgitate facts or to do "bad" things).



After I was in The Program for awhile, I thought I'd try to solve other "problem areas" of my life by going to other programs. For example, I tended to spend way too much money and am in a lot of debt, so I joined a program for that. And after I left my husband, I had a lot of boyfriends and haven't stayed with any of them, so I joined a program for that. They don't have a "Mom's Anonymous", or I'd have joined that one, too; I really need a lot of help there.

But in all truth, I still spend too much money, and I still have boyfriends/dates/sexual encounters. But I work on a budget every month, and it gets better. And I do try to be honest with any man I get involved with at any given time, so I'm really not being a "bad person" there, either. The mom thing - well, I'm doing better than my mom did, perhaps, bless her heart...I just keep trying to do my best, every day. And my ex-husband and I keep Child Welfare Services (formally CPS) close by (i.e., we call them on each other at least once a month, lol); they're a big help.

I stopped going to the debt program, and am considering discontinuing to go to sex program, too. The program for alcoholics is the mother of all 12-step programs, after all, so why look any further for my development (in terms of 12-step programs)? Yeah, it's nice to go be around people with the same "problems" I have. But many of them aren't using the solution - the 12 steps -in the way that people do in The Program. The latter is a well-oiled machine. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?



The Program also has a set of 12 Traditions that keeps it together. In these other 12-step programs, even if people work the steps (and many of them don't), people have no idea that there are also set of traditions that helps the 12-step program work for everyone (unless they are also members The Program, the only requirement for which is a desire to stop drinking: tradition 3). I am glad non-alcoholics do have access to a 12-step program for whatever ails them. But The Program was the first and the basis for all of them. That's why in The Program we say we're "grateful" alcoholics.

When it comes down to it, though, all one really needs to do for a successful, happy life, I'm told, is be honest, kind, tolerant, and loving, and free oneself of fear, resentment, dishonesty and selfishness (but not to the extent that one hurts his/her self: "to thine own self be true"). Self-preservation is really a by-product of helping others and yourself, apparently. It seems paradoxical, but it isn't: You only "keep it" if you "give it away", a saying goes. That's why the truly enlightened are always teachers (although there are many "teachers", in the most basic sense of the word, who aren't enlightened, which is the reason for this post in the first place, if you scroll back up).



Just for kicks, if you're curious, I'll share here the 12 steps which are suggested as a program of recovery from that state of complete powerlessness:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So, it's really pretty simple. Admit you have a problem, clean house, make amends, and help others. If 12 steps seems lofty, check out the documentary that explains their evolution: Bill W. - Where do we aim what we thirst for? For more information, or if you think you may have a problem controlling your drinking, you can search online for a meeting (here is the website I used to find my first meeting: http://www.simeetings.com/LA/CalCountiesMtgIndex.html). The meeting is where it all begins.

If you aren't an alcoholic, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements (summarized here very well), also teaches us "how to live," with four simple commands: (1) "Be impeccable with your word." (2) "Don't take anything personally." (3) "Don't make assumptions." And (4) "Always do your best."



Then there's Eckhart Tolle, with The Power of Now. Here's a paragraph from his book that summarizes his philosophy for living quite well:

Always say "yes" to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say "yes" to life -- and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. (Tolle, 35)

 

And "The Cave Allegory" in Plato's Republic is highly illluminating.

So anyway...this post may have turned into proselytizing. I've used the term "you" loosely. But I'm just grateful to be learning new ways to live and to be happy other than needing people to love me, and I thought I'd share it all. I've realized how much power I've been giving people all my life, and how little power I've allowed my own self. I've also now subscribed to Psychology Today and have begun reading The Revolution: A Manifesto by Ron Paul. I'm trying not to assign God-like power to any of these works of words by people...but they are helping (along with, my favorite, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) to liberate me from assigning most people God-like power.

This is my Awakening. I'm 30 years old. Better late than never. I am so very grateful for those teachers who, however imperfect themselves, have taught me how to live as opposed to simply regurgitate information for their "love": Gautama Buddha, Plato, Jesus of Nazareth, Carl Jung, America's "Founding Fathers", The Oxford Groups, William G. Wilson, Ron Paul, Eckhart Tolle, Don Miguel Ruiz, Wayne Dyer, Rocco Versaci, Martha Margo Flores, Rich W, Christal Q....and last but always first, God.

And for the record: I'm still fucked up, and what I say isn't Gospel, either. I'm just like you. Hell...I am you. And I do Love you...because, for the first time in my life...I Love me.