Monday, January 11, 2021

Death to Self

I’ve been reading the Dr. Harry Tiebout: Collected Writings, realizing how much I’m driven by unconscious forces. I realize this over and over, always after a period of suffering, then I go back to being run unconsciously, suffer, awaken, repeat.

Dr. Tiebout is of the belief that one can achieve not merely a reduction of ego, but elimination - even if only briefly and temporarily. It requires going into one’s self - slowing down, becoming aware of what’s happening inside the body. I’ve heard this many times before by many another author and speaker.

This ego elimination is the death of the self - the “lose your life to gain it” type-thing described by Jesus. Instead of allowing myself to be propelled unconsciously by the ego in infinite restlessness, irritability and discontentment, if I take the time to go within, slow down, become aware - I may be able to achieve the death of the unconscious self that is driving me blindly into despair, repeatedly. By shining the light into the darkness, I won’t be so lost in it.

I hope I can remember this. I am going to start practicing, now. Well, for now, I’ll meditate to sleep. Then tomorrow I’ll set my timer to go off every ten minutes to remind myself to go back within. Slow down. Become aware. Allow the ego to die. Let it go. Let the “self” die. Be Who I Am.

Because I can’t take the suffering any more. 


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You're very important to me; more than you will ever know. Through writing about my life, I'm trying to become a better mother. That is, in fact, my penultimate goal. If I succeed, I hope to inspire fellow sufferers of abuse and mental illness like me to survive and thrive (and if I don't succeed, I'm still useful as an example of what NOT to do). So, please, join me! Subscribe by email. Read about my fall from grace, my digging myself out of the trenches of demoralization, and my uphill trudge, battling the demons on the road to restoration, redemption, and happy destiny. We are not alone, you and I. And if you believe it - God's will is where your feet are. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to email me at adorafallbrook@gmail.com. Thank you, and so much love - Adora Fallbrook (nom de plume).