Saturday, March 14, 2020

Steps 6 and 7

Having shared my inventory with my sponsor a couple days ago (steps 4 and 5), and, coming home to do steps 6 and 7 - where I become willing to have my defects of character removed, and ask God to remove my shortcomings - I have to admit I’ve held onto some. I’ve been holding onto selfishness, for sure - still wanting what I want instead of letting God be the director of my life. If you’ve read my poetry lately, every single one is about either not getting what I want or having something I don’t want - it’s all about me, of course. Clearly I needed a couple extra days of suffering to be willing.

My sponsor suggested coming up with a list of assets to counter my defects. When I did my 4th step, I actually wrote out about 20-30 character defects, but in the last couple days I’ve felt too overwhelmed by that, and I gave up just long enough to feel completely insane again. I think, one day at a time, a top-5 list will be a bit more manageable. My sponsor talked about having her own top 5 and how it changes from day to day. I do have one for today:

Shortcomings

Impatient - wanting a committed love relationship / marriage “yesterday”
Selfish - wanting more than my fair share of love / attention
Afraid - afraid I’m not good enough for any one
Angry - annoyed when people don’t do what I want
Lustful - wanting to feel good
TOO honest - comes from fear 
Lazy - no schedule, poor sense of time, bad work ethic

Assets

Patient - accept God’s timing and direction 
Selfless - give love / attention where others need it
Have Faith - fulfill God’s purpose for my life and serve others fearlessly 
Compassionate - ask for God to give to others what I want for myself and see where I can be of service 
Accepting - allow my own discomfort, pain and suffering to see what God is trying to teach me
Restrained - be mindful of my words and use them sparingly and impeccably; is it necessary, true AND kind?
Willing - plan ahead, then be willing to take the next right action, and move my hands and feet

Just for today. One day at a time. 



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Note to My Beloved Readers:

You're very important to me; more than you will ever know. Through writing about my life, I'm trying to become a better mother. That is, in fact, my penultimate goal. If I succeed, I hope to inspire fellow sufferers of abuse and mental illness like me to survive and thrive (and if I don't succeed, I'm still useful as an example of what NOT to do). So, please, join me! Subscribe by email. Read about my fall from grace, my digging myself out of the trenches of demoralization, and my uphill trudge, battling the demons on the road to restoration, redemption, and happy destiny. We are not alone, you and I. And if you believe it - God's will is where your feet are. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to email me at adorafallbrook@gmail.com. Thank you, and so much love - Adora Fallbrook (nom de plume).