Boundaries; and Margaret, part 4

Here's the draft I wrote this morning:

"Okay Mr. Awesome, lemme lay it down for ya. :) First, I'm quite taken with you, and am certain that you're 20,000 leagues above any one I've ever dated in as many ways as I can think of, and, I feel an uncannily strong connection with you.

"Second...Okay, so, the whole no-sex-til-marriage thing might have been extreme...ly impossible....to uphold. BUT...can we try this?: Rather than using what you consider to be a too-rigorous and out-dated socio-religious more (accent on the "e") to dehumanize my own personal journey, considering my no-sex boundary meaningless, can you allow me to just be certain that you like me for me before we get intimate again (for THIS, truly, is the point)?

"I have to be honest: I held back the other night/morning because I was specifically trying to not impress you in the sexual arena (which is just the opposite of my ideal sexual situation), just because I didn't want you to want me for just that. So, here, I'm granting you honesty, rather than ducking and running (my old modus operandi). So...would you be willing to wait, say, 10 dates, and THEN let us go totally buck wizzild?"

But after sitting on it and having more time to think, I realized that to set a boundary all I really have to do is set the boundary, with no lengthy, groveling, rambling, TMI-explanation necessary. So, here's what I actually texted him (and it's still totally passive):

"Would you mind if I had you pick me up from work instead? I know the no-sex-til-marriage idea is extreme, but I would just feel more comfortable if we had a few more dates first before adding that back in. Are you okay with that?"

No response yet. Who knows, maybe I won't get one. Or maybe he does actually like me for who I "am" (to the extent of the "me" that he could possibly get to know in less than a day).

And why does the no-sex-til-marriage idea have to be extreme (if it's my idea)? If that's truly what I want, then why can't I just have it? And how the hell did 10 dates go down to "a few"? I shake my head at myself.

From the website Daily Plate of Crazy, here's a snip of an article entitled Sexual Boundaries: When No Means No, by D.A. Wolf:

"All joking aside, we need to set boundaries even when we’re open to exploring them, and communicate – like adults – when we’re uncomfortable or unwilling to pursue an activity further.

Lifescript’s article offers this, which is essential:

Your partner should respect your boundaries… If he presses you at all, consider whether he’s the right guy for you."

It would have been better to slap that initial boundary back on and say, "Look, pal, if you wanna see me again, you're gonna respect me and my boundaries, period. If not...I'll find a different ambitious, intelligent, handome, spiritual, 30-something engineer/composer who travels around the world and has his own place...who is willing to wait for marriage to fuck me." Ugh. I guess I could always try e-harmony or match.com. Or nothing. This dating thing is...difficult....to say the least.

Thank God I didn't include the I-held-back-during-the-initial-sex-but-if-you're-willing-to-wait-I'll-become-your-total-sex-slave-and-rock-your-world bait. Jesus.

I posted this on my facebook page, but I'll share it here as well:

"Eesh, the pain's back. Chest, throat. Nagging, heavy, wrenching. I miss you, Margaret*. Read my journal entries last night from January 2013 when you were trying to teach me how to set boundaries with people and stick to them. I want to do a better job, in your honor (and mine). I can't let the things you taught me go to waste. You told me, "The first time you set a boundary, you're gonna feel like you're gonna die." Yep, you knew it'd be hard for me. Then, "The people who accept your boundaries are the healthy ones; the people who don't accept your boundaries are the sick ones." You also taught me to "stick with the winners" so I wouldn't get hurt (meaning spiritually-fit people). And, you said that "people will show you who they are, so pay attention."  

"Margaret, you were the strong woman I want to be. Thanks for taking the time to help me, and I'm sorry it took me losing you for the things you were trying to teach me to really sink in. I'm going to make mistakes, but I'll have you with me, always, to remind me to keep loving myself first and not let any one take advantage of me, period."

It's just too bad Margaret just got sick and tired of it all. Maybe she just didn't see any more winners out there.

The pain started when I got a call from her sponsor letting me know that she had just gotten out of Margaret's lawyer's office for the reading of her Will (that she'd sent in before she offed herself). He sponsor said my name was mentioned and gave me the number for Margaret's lawyer. I just called, and she's having me come in tomorrow at 10 am for another reading. Apparently Margaret left me with something tangible, too.

God, I really feel like shit for having sex with this guy when this whole time (the 37 days since I entered the sex and love addiction recovery with gusto) Margaret was right there with me, cheering me on, and she was shocked that I was actually able to do it, but she was so proud of me. And then after she takes herself out, what do I do to cope but take the first opportunity do the very thing she was trying to help me not do? Well, it wasn't the first opportunity from the very beginning. I'd turned down a total of seven guys over the course of my sex/love recovery. But, dur, when I saw this guy's suicide video, I thought the hand of God was upon me. But now...man, it just feels...icky.

You live, you learn. I'm just not so fond of the whole learning-by-pain bit. But eh, guess it's really the only thing that works, in the end.

*As usual, that's not her real name. Thought I'd go ahead and disclaim that for any new readers. With few exceptions, due to the "racy" nature of my blog, most names have been changed, including mine.