So, instead, I focused on getting things done for my clients; I had two great client consultations; I attended an AA meeting on Zoom; and my Changing Abusive Patterns class was so amazing. I met a girl who is really struggling to leave an abusive relationship, and I got to offer my experience, strength and hope with her - it’s been six months since I left mine, and I can hardly believe I went from being homeless with 2 kids and nowhere to go, to now renting my own 2-bedroom house...not “needing” a man, despite the obsession with wanting one - I’m very slowly - but surely - coming into my own without one.
My qualifier has definitely moved on; I’m the one holding on. There have been three separate days now where I didn’t contact him - and felt like I was going to die all day - yet I did refrain, and he didn’t contact me. So I would make it 24 hours without contacting him - but, then, I always succumb the following day, and most days after that.
I wonder...could I make it two days? Am I willing to try?
I’m going to say yes. I have to try. He has let me go - he’s told me so - so why can’t I do the same? It’s demoralizing to be the one so desperate for love and attention, when I don’t even enter his thoughts - until he gets a message or call from me. Why am I doing this to myself?
This is serious! This is not a man who would ever love me the way I would deserve to be loved someday, after my recovery. And I’m not recovering! I really need to love myself enough - with God’s love - to just let go!!
That’s easy for me to say right now after such a full day. I know tomorrow I’ll go crazy again without contact with him. But what if I can go TWO days? It’s the same as alcohol...each new day does get easier. But it has to start with one.
It’s 9:37 pm. Let’s see how this goes.
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