Obsessed

I’m sitting in my car in my driveway after my photo shoot, immobilized.

I guess this is why I shouldn’t contact qualifiers - now that I did, I just want to take it even further. Nothing is ever enough. I want to go lay in his bed with him and watch TV and sleep there, like our last night together over a month ago, when we didn’t have sex or hardly even touch - but we did kiss as more than friends before I left the next morning. I hugged him up against my driver’s side door, and he pulled himself into me using the handrails on top of the car, kissing me - we dove into each others’ mouths - and I felt every part of his body pressed against mine. All while having throughly discussed that we would “just be friends” before that. But the powerlessness kicked in on both of our parts. Leave it to me, a love addict, to attract a love-avoidant sex addict. I really must be a masochist.

Speaking of masochism (hey, BDSM!) - I’m great at sex. Incredibly great at it. It’s the way I’ve always gotten men to be with me. Because it’s so easy. Complete and utter, undeniable seduction. But it doesn’t make them “love” me or want to commit to me, of course. 

That’s why I’m insisting that the love and commitment come before sex. At least, that’s what I tell myself that I’m insisting. Get me alone with a sex addict, though, and our force fields draw us into each other - all willpower is gone. 

We’re all just selfish. God is the only one who can restore us. That means, yep, being willing to not go be alone with a sex addict while trying to delude myself into thinking “we’re just friends” and that “nothing is gonna happen.” I know damn well that the moment I feel his touch, I’ll be powerless, we’ll be physically intimate, and it’s going to trigger my fantasy obsession with marrying him for WEEKS. 

It almost seems like a cruel joke that God lets me be a wedding & engagement photographer for my career. But I know God isn’t cruel. He loves me and is teaching me more each day. I just have to be willing to not act on self-will. Thy will, not mine, be done!

I’m counting down the 23 minutes until the next AA meeting. I’m not allowing myself to succumb to this obsession of wanting to go over to the qualifier’s house. I need to put myself first! Why can’t I love myself enough to do that? Well, that’s something I’m just starting to learn about. 

Friendships?

I called him.

I just couldn’t stand not knowing how he’s doing after his surgery. He’s doing well, and I’m grateful for that. But I couldn’t just let go and let God. 

Part of me thinks I might just be holding myself to too high of a standard with regards to my bottom lines. I want to be able to be friends with a man without getting involved intimately. I want to be able to set boundaries and stick to them.

Of course, if that man is a qualifier - if he triggers my sex-love addiction - I’m obviously treading dangerously. My AA sponsor likens it to hanging out at the bar as an alcoholic and expecting to be able to not drink. Or it’s like going to the barbershop and expecting to not get a haircut. The fact is, why are you even there? Why this insistence on playing with fire, thinking you won’t get burned?

I’m grateful for my celibacy, and I don’t want to lose it. I haven’t been counting days, but it’s been at least a month. That’s the lowest of bottom lines for me, though. I’m working on changing the behavior that leads to sex before marriage - the behavior that will keep me from ever getting married or knowing true partnership with another human being at all.

Well, here are my new top and bottom lines, as I try to allow this friendship idea back in. 

SLAA Bottom Lines

Sobriety date 6/15/20

1. I will not obsess about a qualifier.
2. I will not obsessively contact a qualifier.
3. No flirting / dating / physical contact.
4. Pray for God’s will, not mine, to be done.

SLAA Top Lines

1. I will put myself first (business, recovery, therapy, hobbies & interests, self-care, etc).
2. I will put my real relationships first (kids, sister, nephews, AA, SLAA, church, girl friends, mom, etc).
3. I will let go and let God. I will not act on self-will.
4. I will be 100% honest / impeccable with my word and make my intentions very clear.
5. I won’t spend money or eat just to try to make myself feel better.
6. I will not post on social media just to try to get a qualifier’s attention. 
7. I will not check a qualifier’s social media profiles and I won’t check messaging apps to see if he’s active.
8. I will not check my phone just to see if a qualifier has contacted me.

I keep hoping that maybe if I’m open to friendships, one of those might lead to dating, and then a possible marriage partnership. I know myself well enough that dating - right now - is not going to work. As soon as I’m dating someone, it triggers the fantasy obsession of relationship and marriage, and I try to exert my will as much as possible to “make” it go there...going totally insane when it doesn’t. Of course, even friendship triggers the fantasy obsession of “some day” - so I’m using that as the first bottom line itself. “I will not obsess.” It probably means I’ll still be resetting my sobriety date every few hours - but maybe one of these days, that won’t be the case. 

Inching Towards Willingness

A couple days ago, I dropped him off some sushi (without seeing him) after his surgery. I had also dropped off some Hydroxyzine the night before to help him sleep (also without seeing him). I knew I was breaking my bottom lines of not initiating contact, but I felt so compelled to do something for him. He has done so much for me.

“Thank you for thinking of me,” he said later, in an Instagram message.

Little does he know, he’s ALL I can think about. All...day...long. That I feel empty and incomplete when we aren’t in contact. 

Today I changed ‘not posting on social media to get a qualifier’s attention’ and ‘not checking a qualifier’s social media to see if they are active’ from being “bottom lines” to being “top lines,” to allow myself to act out on that behavior without having to reset my sex-love addiction sobriety date. But I ended up resetting my sobriety date anyway, because I tagged him in the post (about praying for his recovery - I had to let him know that I was thinking about him), which counts as initiating contact with a qualifier (which I’m keeping as a bottom line, otherwise, I will never be open to God’s will - not mine - when it comes to sex-love relationships; I will always be trying to run on self-will, trying to play the director - which doesn’t work).

So, I temporarily disabled my Instagram account. I do believe that only a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity (step 2). That can start with not having access to Instagram, period - I can turn that over to God (step 3).

I still have a business Instagram account, though, which he follows, and I can still search him up using my business account to see if he’s active. And I can still use Facebook Messenger to see if he’s active. So I don’t know. I haven’t been willing to block him on social media and keep him blocked. When I do that, it’s so painful that I can’t stand it. It signifies a real and final letting go. But I’m too selfish to let go completely and am still holding onto self-will - even thought one of my top lines is, “I will let go and let God. I will not act on self-will.” 

It’s so hard to let go, though. “If I do this, then this will (or won’t) happen,” I tell myself. “If I block him, then we’ll never be able to reconcile to have a relationship again,” I think fearfully...as if having a relationship with him would be God’s will, anyway. And here, this fear, is a lack of faith and trust in God. I need more work on step 2, for sure. How much am I willing to come to believe that God can restore me to sanity? It only works if I stop doing things my way. God, please give me the willingness!

Falling in love as a self-aware love addict feels like, the worst thing ever, I tell you. The feelings won’t kill me, but they are so incredibly palpable ... painful. It’s also painful just to know that this is a manifestation of the addiction, that I’m incapable of loving “normally” - like an alcoholic is incapable of drinking “normally.” 

I think that may come with step 11 - which I’m able to do for my alcoholism and weed / THC addiction (8.5 years no alcohol, 14 months no weed / THC) - but I have a LONG way to go for sex-love recovery. But I can make a beginning. God - please enter me to expel this obsession, help me be willing to seek Your will above all, reveal Your will to me, and grant me the strength to carry it out. Amen.

Step 1

Step 1: Admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

The obsession that persists all throughout the day makes me completely unmanageable. I constantly react to my 3 year-old daughter with a short temper any time she wants or needs anything from me. Pretty much all I can think about, all day long, is the "qualifier" - the one who has most recently triggered my sex and love addiction.

This obsession is insidious. An SLAA meeting, an AA meeting, and a nap were my only reprieves. Other than those moments, there is a constant restlessness, irritability and discontentment from the withdrawal of not contacting or being contacted by him.

I feel the anger welled up inside every limb of my body. It's in my arms, hands and fingers. It's in my chest and throat and jaw. Gratefully I restrain myself physically with my daughter. But my anger comes out my mouth in reaction to whatever she says or does. I've apologized to my daughter at least twenty times today for snapping. I've made her cry over and over. This is no way to live, and I can't stand it. I'm going completely insane. 

All I can think about is the fact that he just went through surgery, and I'm not even allowed to show him I care about him or contact him. I've broken my bottom lines before today over the last few days because I had to. I've reset my sex-love sobriety date every single day. But I'll never put 24 hours of withdrawal together this way. I'll never recover, and this pattern or powerlessness and unmanageability will repeat itself until the end of time.

I want to break things. Throw things. Scream and yell and cry. I know what it is. It's this crippling selfishness and need. This bottomless void. 

I do believe that the only thing that can restore me to sanity is a Power greater than myself. This means I have to surrender everything. No matter how badly I want to contact him, I can't. This has to end, now. I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. I want to be free from this obsession. God, please remove my obsession. Please.

Upon Awakening: Meditation & Prayers

https://soundcloud.com/adora-fallbrook/upon-awakening-meditation-prayers