One of my symptoms includes paranoia. Any one who's ever smoked weed can understand this, but imagine being high all the time, without being able to sober up. It would get old, don't you think? After all, the purpose of smoking weed, or drinking, or popping E or whatever the hell you people do (and okay, I used to do a LOT of) is to experience an alternate reality. If you can't change that reality, then what?
With Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm learning to recognize my symptoms and accept them for what they are but not take any action based on them. And when I use the term "paranoia," you might imagine that I'm expecting the government to swoop in and take all my stuff, or that the super volcano under Yellowstone is gonna erupt any minute, or that I'm gonna die of Ebola...but it's not quite that bad. It just means I'm way too worried about what you think of me and I'm really scared about possible futures involving you that may or may not take place. Eww.
Here's how "paranoia" is defined by Wikipedia:
"Paranoia is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.[1]Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me"). Paranoia is distinct from phobias, which also involve irrational fear, but usually no blame. Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, an incident most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a paranoid person might believe was intentional."
I love knowing that this is part of my BPD so that I can not take any action based on this symptom. For example, people with BPD tend to make frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and this is one reason they experience unstable relationships. They let the illusions in their minds take them over. "You don't like me, and you're gonna leave me, so I'm gonna end it now." "You're gonna fire me, because I'm not good enough, so I'm just gonna quit now." "I'm not gonna do well at this; I suck worse than everyone, so I'm not even gonna try." BPD also involves black or white thinking, vilification, and delusions.
In "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo, I found a very practical answer to this dilemma, which is also emphasized in don Miguel Ruiz' "The Mastery of Love" and by many another spiritual guru throughout the ages, and that is:
Love is the antidote to Fear.
It's something I never understood until I began putting it into practice, but it's provided so much relief. I love what is, and I love you.
Simple...but not easy. You people still be cray-cray. Jay kay. (Well...every one kind of is a little crazy, to be honest. There really isn't any truth to the concept of "us" and "them" - but I'll save that for another post.)
Before I can love what is, though, I have to get myself out of my head where the delusions live, carrying around their little pitchforks and telling me to fear and despise everything and everyone, and get back into reality, where shit's generally actually totally fine and normal. So I ask myself, what is real, right now? Are the thoughts inside my head actually based on reality - is something "bad" actually happening in this moment? I look to see what's right in front of me. If something does suck, then I change it if I can, and if not, then I love the shit out of it. (I have to be able to recognize what I can and can't change, though - that's crucial.)
Easier said than done. But, David Richo provides a fool-proof love formula that consists of 5 "A's": Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. I love "what is" by giving it my full attention, accepting whatever is happening, and even appreciating what's happening. Loving a person involves another two "A's"; affection is pretty self-explanatory, and when Richo writes of "allowing," he's referring to a process by which we allow someone the freedom to live in accord with his or her deepest needs or wishes. When I'm loving a person in this way, it really doesn't matter if that person likes me or doesn't or gives me what I want or doesn't. In that moment, when I choose to love that person, it completely erases my fear about the person and the situation. It gives him or her no power over my sanity. It takes him or her off the pedestal. But I'm still respecting the person, see. I'm not placing myself above him or her, but rather, I'm putting us on a plane of neutrality where I accept him or her as exactly he or she is and let him or her do whatever he or she needs.
In reality, yes, relationships do change. If it's an employee who isn't doing what I need him or her to do, I give that person the ultimatum and if he or she still can't or won't perform, I have to move on (California is an At-Will Employment state). If he's a significant other and decides I'm not his cup of tea (or vodka) and decides to walk away, or there's something about him that's making me completely insane that I can't accept, I have to move on. If he or she is a boss and fires me (there's At-Will again), I have to move on. If he or she is a friend and doesn't want to be my friend any more for whatever reason, I have to move on. Et cetera, ad infinitum.
But until any of that actually happens, I have to take a good look at this very moment and make sure I'm not creating unnecessary instability. Surviving and recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder means I have to not take action based on paranoia and delusions, and that I try to maintain stable relationships instead of pre-emptively destroying them based on illusions and fear. Sometimes I fight it all day long. But one thing's for sure: I much prefer being in love to being in fear. It just makes life...awesome. :)
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