"Surviving Borderline Personality Disorder" blog: My First Post!

I've always been a writer...well, ever since I could write. When I was five, I wrote poems and greeting cards. When I was ten, I began writing autobiographically about my mom's abusive boyfriend and my dad's abusive girlfriend. For the past few years, I've written a bit about my divorce (I was with my husband for ten years) and some of my failed relationships afterwards (all of them have failed) in a private blog under a nom-de-plume. Now, I'm 32, and having just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on April 20, 2015, after a couple of decades of symptoms, I've decided to write about this illness, as part of my recovery.

I had been experiencing a suicidal depression from October 2014 to March 2015, until a couple of people mentioned the possibility of me having BPD, based on what they knew about me. I didn't pay much attention to it, at first, when a friend, who also happened to be a military psychologist, mentioned it to me in January 2015, shortly after I met her. I figured she probably wanted to diagnose everyone with something; it's what psychologists do, after all (I thought). But, then, an ex-boyfriend, who didn't even know the psychologist friend of mine, also brought it up, in March 2015, and that's when it really caught my attention. 

I had to concede that I matched every symptom for BPD. I wanted it not to be true; I took multiple "tests" online hoping to find some loophole, but, no matter what, I related to everything I read about it. The symptoms were thus:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Before my official diagnosis by my therapist on April 20, 2015, I had gotten to a point that, every day, I was begging God to help me please not wake up. I didn't have it in me to take my own life, having a now-six year-old son. I didn't want to affect him that way, for him to go through life having had a mother who took herself out. But I had ended every relationship I had started, quit both my jobs, deactivated my facebook page and got off all social media, changed my phone number and all my email addresses, become a recluse, and begun engaging in extremely risky behavior that was harmful to myself.

After the diagnosis, I actually felt a sigh of relief. I was, and am, glad that there's a reason I felt, and feel, the way I do, every day. I've been doing what I can to recover, so far, and I'm happy to say that I no longer have a death wish. I've experienced some setbacks, and it hasn't been easy, but I've made my way back into society as a functioning member, for the most part (at least on the outside).

I'm going to use this blog to track my progress, write about my experiences, and hold myself accountable. I'll write about my symptoms as they occur, the tools I use to deal with them, and the choices I do or don't make in the face of them. My hope is to increase the awareness of this disorder, not just for myself, but, perhaps, to help any fellow sufferers out there. I know exposing myself will open me up to stigmatization, but, I feel hopeful that my condition will continue to improve as I utilize the many resources available to people like me. 

Thanks for joining me and being a part of my journey, and may peace and joy be yours and mine!