Monday, August 10, 2015

"Surviving Borderline Personality Disorder" blog: Getting Started



I've added a list of resources for BPD and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) on the right side of my blog. I've gone ahead and used Marsha Linehan's BehavioralTech website to find a DBT therapist in San Diego. I've used the contact forms at both websites and will see where I can get into first; I think they both have waiting lists.

I've had three therapists in the last few years, but none of them have "worked" for me, and now I understand why. I tend to devalue people as one of my symptoms; I trust no one. I think having a therapist trained specifically in how to handle patients with BPD is going to be crucial for my recovery.

Both of my last boyfriends have tried to help me, but, of course, I vilify boyfriends, so it doesn't work out. I rush into relationships because "I can't be alone;" then, I sabotage relationships because "no one is good enough for me," and "they're probably going to leave me any way" because "I'm not good enough for them," either, and then, when the relationship is over, I feel "completely lost, empty and worthless" because "I'm not worth anyone's love". I'm so tired of this pattern of unstable relationships. I really thought it would work out with my last boyfriend because he graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Psychology, and he was especially interested in mindfulness and existentialism. I thought that that would mean he'd be able to handle me, but, after four break-ups, he decided it was just too much, as guys do once they understand what it means to be with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'd really like the opportunity to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship with someone. But before that, I know I need to learn to be happy on my own. Or, perhaps, instead of learning how to "be happy," I need to learn how to handle these thoughts and emotions in ways that don't hurt myself or others. I have been trying to use lots of tools so far: The 12 Steps by Bill Wilson, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo, The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz, mindfulness, and the teachings of Jesus Christ. But, it's really time to get professional help by those with experience with BPD. The therapist who diagnosed me didn't have any experience with it, and I'm grateful she was able to get me started, but I'm ready to take my recovery much further.
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You're very important to me; more than you will ever know. Through writing about my life, I'm trying to become a better mother. That is, in fact, my penultimate goal. If I succeed, I hope to inspire fellow sufferers of abuse and mental illness like me to survive and thrive (and if I don't succeed, I'm still useful as an example of what NOT to do). So, please, join me! Subscribe by email. Read about my fall from grace, my digging myself out of the trenches of demoralization, and my uphill trudge, battling the demons on the road to restoration, redemption, and happy destiny. We are not alone, you and I. And if you believe it - God's will is where your feet are. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to email me at adorafallbrook@gmail.com. Thank you, and so much love - Adora Fallbrook (nom de plume).