I was going through my journal the other day and I found some notes that I'd written from my and Margaret's first meetings back in January (almost a year ago now) when she was my sponsor. She gave me all kinds of assignments and things to do and think about. It's actually a lot of good stuff, if I would have just listened. I thought it was too much to handle then, so I dropped her as a sponsor and went back to the sponsor I'd had before her and before Jane. But then in October she and I re-connected over the "man issue" (since I was still having the same issue...had become the queen of the "man issue") and she took me to sex and love addiction recovery with her. Sad that I made it and she didn't. (Knock on wood...but I'm doing quite well, considering where I was at nearly a year ago.)
In Margaret's honor, I'm going to revisit those notes. The notes she gave me come first and are followed by my journal entries in a different font. The last journal entry by me is pretty defeatist; the good news is, my first sponsor picked me back up right after that and we kept on working the steps (I was only on step 4 back then; now I'm working on 10, 11 and 12), and by now things have improved considerably, especially with the new sex/love recovery meetings and sponsor in addition the alcohol (and debting and being a loved one/family member of alcoholics) recovery. 4 programs, 4 sponsors, 4 times the work = progress, not perfection.
1-4-13: HW and Notes from Margo
(9) Why in step 6 do they call it "defects of character" and in step 7 "shortcomings"?
PROGRAM OF AWARENESS - doing right, doing wrong, tools to fix what doing wrong
character defect - scholar, driven, "do it right" = like sprint vs marathon = can burn yourself
SURVIVAL SKILLS - no longer serve us - not in those same situations
Man + woman = no friends
"People will show you who they are." - Maya Angelou
We don't have to do this program alone. We talk to qualified people.
Now that you're alone, create yourself, love yourself, be selfish in a healthy way, fill yourself with good things so you will be a better wife to someone else.
You may not meet Mr. Right - let that go and do your life.
Are they good enough for you?
When call, keep it to alcoholism, keep it to the steps. Or say "hey this happened" - be brief, not dramatic. "How do I handle this using the tools?"
THINGS TO WORK ON:
(1) How to step out of gossip - how to get out of "high school" gossip - but how do you do that when you're part of it + fuel it too?
If talking about Jane = resentment
(2) Write about your part with gossip - what you've observed about yourself
(3) Boundary-setting (the unhealthy ones won't like you and make you think you're wrong for setting a boundary; healthy ones will thank you and say you're right)
"I don't feel comfortable talking about that..."
First time you'll say it, you'll die. But-
Hang out with women who show healthy behavior (monkey see, monkey do)
-watch and listen, see what they have to say, what they're about
-longer sobriety doesn't mean they're good
-stick with the winners
-hang out with people who appear successful
-hang out with people who have what you want
(4) What areas other than sobriety do you want to work on?
[Today is your future - you're in your future right now.]
How do you want to spend tomorrow? What are you gonna do tomorrow to live in intention of how you want your future to be? Do you wanna sit tomorrow and worry about your future? Is that how you wanna spend your future?
(5) How do you want your future to look like?
Details: Materialistic, spiritual, physical
(6) Write all the wonderful things you've learned in your 10 months of sobriety (so you can see how you will be on track)
-I'm not alone
-I'm an okay person on my way to becoming a good person
-I don't have to drink or use
BALANCE - not black and white
Template for Life
-Responsible financially, having a job, telling the truth (but don't be a "truth machine" - be careful about telling the truth - could hurt you or others), loving yourself - setting boundaries
Before you call me - write about it first and try to come to a realization
(7) What IS best for you?
(8) Write about men - what do they do for you? What don't they do for you? Once and for all, get it out on paper - what's this man thing all about?
Identity - some women don't know what their identity is unless they have a man in their life.
"I don't need a man to be complete."
Healthy Dating 101: Balance -> relationship with men AND relationships with women
For our next meeting: Bring your writing for the week. Bring your resentments from the past that you write down.
4:30 to 6pm Wednesday
Journal Entry: 1-5-13
(1) Tell the person to talk to his/her sponsor about it, pray about it, journal about it, that I feel uncomfortable talking about another person "behind their back".
(2) Usually I'm just trying to help the person see his or her part in it and help them not gossip, but in so doing I am still perpetuating "talking about" the person.
Journal Entry: 1-6-13
Defects
Impatient
Aggressive
Forceful
I try to change people
Impulsive
Overly sexual
Overly sensual
Desperate
Selfish
No thought of consequences
Fearful
Weak with other people
Headstrong
Over-eager
Naïve
Subservient
Journal Entry: 1-7-13
(9) defect: 1. flaw in something = a physical problem in a machine, structure, or system, especially one that prevents it from functioning correctly
2. inadequate feature = a feature of something that is regarded as inadequate
3. imperfection in the internal structure of a crystal, e.g. an atom of a different substance
shortcoming: 1. deficient performance = a failure or flaw in somebody's character or in a system or organization
flaw: 1. detracting feature = a feature that is regarded as unfavorable.
2. a physical blemish = a physical disfigurement that prevents something from being totally perfect and detracts from its value
Step 6: Were ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
Big Book: Step 6: pg 76: "We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all - every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing."
Step 7: "When ready, we say something like this: 'My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' "
So why "defects" and "shortcomings"?
I think defects will always be with us. They are intrinsic parts of our make-up. God created us with defects... I believe shortcomings occur when we act in ways that are short of our ideals for ourselves. To "fall short" or "come short" means "to be less than is needed" or to fall short of a goal.
-Asked in a meeting = 3 different people said it was just not to be redundant (didn't want to use the same word twice)!
(3) On boundary-setting today: I was talking to Gary and another lady after the noon meeting (Monday) until 3:40 pm!!! I had wanted it to be over quite a long time before that. But I then thought my higher power had me there to contribute and had me there for a reason - otherwise I totally would have wanted to leave. Question = when I am with someone or people (for example, in a parking lot after a meeting), standing and talking in front of my car, and one of the people got a ride/is getting a ride with me and it's another person that is hanging on and wanting to talk for way too long, how do I tactfully handle the situation if I want out?
"Hey guys I gotta go." Don't need any excuse/reason. Don't apologize too much for your own boundaries. They could get each others' numbers so they could continue the conversation by phone. HONOR THYSELF. Set idea in mind for how long something will take. No one else can pass judgment because you have something to do (or not to do!)
A side note on the 7 sins (wrath, greed/avarice, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony): WASPLEG
When thinking of defects/shortcomings, we can use the 7 sins to see what "defect" might be affecting us adversely and causing us to make "bad" choices. Each of the sins seems to be a mis-use or over-use of an instinct, something God-given and necessary for life. These instincts running wild or taking over leads us to "come short" of our ideal, our ideals being useful to God and to others. I'm going to look at these 7 defects of character and find words that might represent the "healthy", God-given extent to which their instincts are used.
Ah, of course! The virtues opposite the sins!
4 cardinal virtues = prudence, justice, restraint/temperance, courage/fortitude; 3 theological virtues = faith, hope, love/charity.
7 heavenly virtues: sometime before 410 AD, Christian governor Aurelius Prudentius, from a poem "Psychomachia" or "Battle/Contest of the Soul": chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility
chastity - lust, temperance - gluttony, diligence - sloth, humility - pride, kindness - wrath, greed - charity, patience - envy
Sin - "Balance" - Virtue
Envy - Ambition/Goal-setting/Hope - Patience/Faith
Greed - Self-care - Charity
Sloth - Rest - Diligence
Gluttony - Nourishment - Temperance/Abstinence)
Lust - (Safe sex? Procreation? Monogomy? Restraint? Resistance? What is the healthy balance between lust and chasity?) (took 3 months for me to figure this one out, 3-31-13:) LOVE - Chastity/Abstinence
Pride - Self-esteem/Courage/Fortitude - Humility
Wrath - Self-protection/Defense/Security - Kindness/Love
(4) What are some areas other than sobriety that you want to work on?
With Margo: The steps, sponsorship, service
For Me:
1. boundary-setting
2. seeing reality
3. future-planning / goal-setting
4. not regretting the past
5. time management
6. not giving in to people (boundary-keeping)
7. having more faith
8. being grateful for what I do have instead of wanting what I don't
9. not hurting people
10. being a good role model
11. handling stress better
Journal Entry: 1-8-13
(3) Boundary-setting: My problem is that I never set the boundary when initially confronted. It is not until later that I realize that my boundaries have been crossed. But I cross my own non-existent, "later-thought-of" boundary, like feeling I need to invite my sponsee to LEGOLAND with me and my son so "we could talk".
Oh God, help!
Definitely need to set boundaries with my sponsee.
Need it clear when we will meet, once a week. I need a clear plan and don't have one. Yikes!
(5) FUTURE (ideal):
material: own reliable car w/no monthly payment. Have all debt except student loans paid off. Working 9 am to 5 pm or equivalent. Have bigger toaster oven.
Notes - interesting that I don't see living on my own as a possibility. Own house? I can't imagine earning enough money to have that.
Okay, I get it: I HATE THINKING ABOUT MY FUTURE. Thinking about the past and the future is what I drank over. Well who am I kidding, thinking/feeling about the past, present, and future is what I drank over. Psh.
Let's try this again:
FUTURE:
material: out of debt, more reliable car, living in between work/school and where my son and his dad live
spiritual: ask for God's help in morning and thank God at night, have "finished" the steps, go to church every Sunday, go to church choir practice/handbell practice every Thursday
physical: regular dental/doctor visits, get exercise
Journal Entry: 1-9-13
Screw this, I GOT IT: I know what I want for my immediate future. I want to live close to school Monday through Thursday and home Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. That's rent at two places = $200 at Aunt Jessie's and like $1000 if I'm lucky near school. I want to do this for 6 months, then come home for the summer. If I live on campus then electricity + wifi is part of rent. Just have to see when I'll have my son - have to be a place he can stay too. Material - I don't need a whole lot. I can buy things like furniture and "decorations" as I work. Spiritual - I can go to church and hometown meetings on weekends, and meetings close to school Monday through Thursday. Okay, now I'm really fired up. I hated this assignment at first because I couldn't picture any future different than what I have now.
Time management has ALWAYS been a problem for me. I do EVERY THING last minute and still get away with it. I want TIME MANAGED. STABILITY. ROUTINE. SIMPLICITY. Here are all the things I want to have time for in a day:
earn money
go to a meeting
call 3 women
talk/meet with my sponsor
talk/meet with my sponsee
do step work
journal
pay bills
go grocery shopping
spend hours with my son
prepare breakfast/lunch/dinner
do homework/read/go to class
clean/do dishes/do laundry/feed my cats
pray/go to church choir practice/go to church
watch a movie/show
How the HELL do I schedule all this?
What the hell is my schedule gonna look like when I'm working/going to school?
What custody schedule do I want?
And life is unmanageable all over again.
(6) What I've learned in sobriety:
-Things will never be perfect (progress not perfection)
-Only God will restore me to sanity
-Alcoholism and atheism were my excuses for my behavior (2 of them)
-My way isn't only not the best way - it's like, the WORST way
-Sober people aren't perfect - we don't get "fixed". We don't get totally "healthy - we just aren't as sick as we were
-BALANCE
-I do the same things over and over and expect different results!
-I go crazy over men. PEER - REE - UDD!
-I'm impatient and want what I want, right now - but EVERY time I get what I want, I'm worse off than before. Hence logic dictates, and confirms, that I do not know what is best for me, and my actions, unguided, will lead to my destruction and despair.
-One Day at a Time means not freaking out about tomorrow or even one minute from now. Stop projecting and start planning. Stop accepting and start changing. There are things I can change.
-I DON'T NEED A MAN and I AM NOT ALONE.
-I latch onto individual people. I'm looking for someone to latch onto. But I latch onto the wrong people. Men. I need to stop it.
-I love people! I can love people unconditionally.
1-9-13 NOTES (w/Margo)
"We don't have relationships, we take hostages."
SUCCESS = compare yourself with yourself - look back, and look at your progress
-to say what you need to say for your own peace of mind regardless of the outcome - sticking up for yourself, setting boundaries
(side note - learn all you can about detachment)
(fun stuff - etymology. sayings and origins)
Do not share with other people information that might hurt them or others.
Kind? Necessary? True?
Gossip = I'm just as guilty with this gossip + I want out. I'm sorry.
Amends - could repeat to Jane - wasn't kind or necessary.
1-2-3 lesson from seminar
1 blah blah 2 about 3
2 takes 1 to 3 and walks away (no part of it!)
9 out of 10 times when you gossip, it's gonna come around and hurt you, and you might drink over it.
Gossip - meditate, take a deep breath
Stick with the winners
(10) Next few days - call Margo to tell her what boundary you set (the short story)
Stop setting yourself up for failure
The healthier you feel about yourself, celebrating yourself, knowing you're okay, the less you need the sex things (filling the hole)
-fill the hole with healthy stuff. won't be this impulsive, out of control reaction - more in control decision
Guys - wanting something you don't have - thrill of the pursuit
Trying to fill something in you. Use good stuff = spiritual program, good wholesome stuff
7 deadly sins only deadly because we OBSESS - go to extreme (lust)
(12) Fear - if you let go of your behavior - who will you be?
(5) -continue future assignment
-look at women - what do you want that each woman has in recovery specifically?
(11) calendar - start scheduling in
school, work, recovery, son = show to Margo
Journal Entry: 1-10-13
(7) What is best for me?
-Not letting MEN be my HIGHER POWER
-Going to school to get my degree so I can have a career
-Not fucking around when I should be doing productive things for my future
-Being a kind of mom that makes me proud instead of the kind I resent
-Stop flirting with disaster. Stop going to the barbershop if I don't want a haircut
-Having an actual plan
-No more getting myself into situations that I can't get out of
-Not feeding my addiction(s)
(12) FEARS
-Not making enough money to pay bills, get out of debt, buy things I want, and "save up"
-I won't ever find that great man to spend my life with, and if I do, I still won't be happy
-I'll never just be happy with what I have, right now
-I'm afraid of falling in love and being hurt again/hurting someone again
-I'm afraid I won't get better, that I'll get worse or just stay as sick as I am now
-I'm afraid I can't be the kind of mom my son needs
-I'm afraid that "escaping" will continue to be my solution
-I'm afraid my son will grow up to have mother/women issues
-I'm afraid of not saying "no" to people who want me to do things for them (at my own expense)
How have I escaped recently?
-Cutting people out of my life
-Changing majors, dropping out of jazz ensemble because of a B
-Accepting failure rather than keep working at something (school, the steps, my marriage, picking my son up)
-I stop calling women
-I stop going to church/church choir
How do I want to escape now?
-Cut Gary out of my life
-Cut Sterling out of my life
-Unfriend people on facebook
-Not pick up my son tomorrow
-Not call women in the program
-Move close to school/work
-Spend the last of my money on a movie
What are the "crazy" things I want?
-To have totally hot sex/makeout with Sterling
-Oh but first, for Sterling to break up with his girlfriend and say he's hopelessly head over heels in love with me and he wants to sweep me off my feet and love me forever - and have super hot sex somewhere totally secluded
-For Gary to stop calling me and facebooking me and just be gay or fall in love with some chick who isn't me so I can get over him
-To live close to school/work in a house with a kitchen and a nice, sober, spiritual person or group of people (if the Sterling thing doesn't happen, which it won't, of course)
What do I really want my January accomplishments to look like?
-Got a sponsee and worked her through step 1
-Didn't have sex
-Stopped obsessing over men
-Didn't drink or use any drugs (including tobacco)
-Got a new job
-
(8) GUYS: If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be with me either. I'm not exactly "monogamous housewife" material.
I just want to feel loved and feel special in that way only a man can love me and make me feel special.
There is so much pain associated with losing someone - Ronnie, Evan, Gary (and I never really had Gary in the first place) - that I just look for the next guy to fill the hole. And then there's unrequited "love" - having feelings for a guy and that guy not reciprocating those feelings is so painful. And what about the pain I've caused? Breaking hearts - Ronnie, Evan - even guys who had "crushes" on me, like T, E, J, A, A, B, G, I, R...more guys whose names I don't even remember - who I've "cut off".
Even if a guy wants to have sex with me, that's a "crush" of some kind.
Deleting guys on facebook doesn't erase the past - it just helps me forget it.
I am just looking for another man to latch onto just like Ronnie and Evan. From the men I see, for some reason, Sterling seems like a great catch. See - "catch" - like I gotta snag him and reel him in. Or I latch on, like a leach - but I don't just wanna suck a guy's blood - I want to give to a relationship just as much, if not more, than I take.
I just can't stand the thought of being less than ideal - why doesn't a healthy, good man want me? I can't stand the fact that I must be so fucked up that no man wants me. It kills me.
So why does a man have to validate me?
Ever since I lost my dad at 8 years old - I wanted to be with a guy. I wanted to be loved by a man.
I used to have rape fantasies - I wanted a man to love me that badly.
I also have issues with women. I had to be my own mom. My mom was always in her room.
My son has mom issues. He's going to latch onto girls/women because his mom isn't there. He always tries to kiss me in inappropriate ways - like "making out" with me. I think he thinks that's the only way to get my attention. That's so sad - I need to give him more attention and time.
Question - How do I put sobriety first but also give my son the time he needs?
How do I juggle sobriety, school, work, and my son?
Why do I think having a man will fix it?
Journal Entry: 1-11-13
(3) Today's boundaries: Today is my day with my son. I will not let Ronnie get out of giving him to me.
-I will not let any man bait me sexually. I will not participate in flirting. I do not need a man today.
(5) Women in recovery: What they have that I want for my own future
Lori= Has college degrees and is a professor
Darlene= Uses her art/creativity professionally
These are the only two women in the meeting this morning who have something I want other than sobriety!
(13) What are you gonna do about this Gary and Sterling thing if you stay in your hometown?
Gary: Pretty easy - friend of mine said you're never cured from Hep C. Can generally get it just from sharing blood, but still, yikes. Also I want a guy with a stronger sex drive any way. Hep C has left him weak. Really I just enjoy his company and conversations - but even the conversations grow tiresome. I can get over Gary - he's not a very passionate kisser, and I can't stand that.
Sterling is a whole other problem. I just SO want to fuck him! He's so hot! And he's a hard worker, has been sober a long time. Did I mention he's hot?
What I need to do is accept once and for all that he is taken. Maybe try to put myself in Jennifer's shoes. I'm just being selfish - can I imagine if Sterling WAS my bf and there was some girl 10 years younger than me who plots and schemes and hopes he breaks up with me so they could be together? Maybe try to think about how I felt when Ronnie would come home and tell me about the girls at work who flirted with him and wanted him - that was HORRIBLE.
The next time Sterling suggests we "all" go eat, think of Jennifer. Remember my New Year's Res - to not hurt myself of others. Hanging out with Sterling but not getting to "have" him hurts me. Hanging out with him hurts his GF.
Journal Entry: 1-12-13
What happened to my boundary of NOT taking my son back early? I took him back today when I should have taken him back tomorrow. He screamed and cried so hard, saying "I hate papa, I want to punch papa in the face, I love you so so much mommy, I want to stay with you, I hate papa's house, I want to stay at your house!"
I caved so I could go to meetings and sing in church and see a choir sing the Hallelujah chorus? When, Lord, when will I be able to put my son first? PLEASE help me with this. Why do I justify going to meetings and church above having my son with me? I DO NOT THINK IT IS RIGHT. They say put my sobriety first. Being a mom to my son is putting my sobriety first. Don't these people get why I drank? It was because my son was taken away from me. Not having my son made me drink.
So because I screwed up and dropped my son off early and broke his little heart I needed something to make me feel good - so I went to Starbucks. I know I'm supposed to look for the spiritual and service solution. I'm supposed to pray and do something for someone else and that's supposed to make me feel better. What about my son? What does he get to feel better? He needs his MOM.
-Morose self-pity's got me in its grip.
Jane would say this is Satan and to kneel at the foot of the Cross.
"Satan tricked me." Blame it on Satan - hmm. Relieves responsibility... Good or bad? God - take away this defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows (especially my son).
Journal Entry: 1-14-13
New job started; I feel SO good! Hope my son is okay. Not thinking about men today. Gave myself to Jesus yesterday - ate his body, drank his blood (bread + juice). My supervisor Sam is 32 and cute - but I don't think he's single and am not gonna obsess on him. Getting over Gary and Sterling and Evan still. Poor Evan. Hope he's okay.
Been praying for a lot of people - not myself. Jane, Ronnie, Sterling/Jennifer/Austin, Gary, my son.
Yesterday was AMAZING - sponsee, church, Hallelujah chorus concert, sponsor, Les Miserables = super grateful for all the pain and tears I felt yesterday. God gives me pain for a reason. Without pain there is no progress. I miss my son - not just that but he needs me. I need to give him structure.
To move or not to move - that is still the question.
(2) My gossip hurt Jane and Peter. Jane is now a recluse and Peter seems to be okay now. But I'm tired of talking about Jane or any one else.
Yesterday I realized that every single human being experiences pain - from kids in Malawi to singers in the Centre Chorus to Ronnie, my son, Jane, Peter, my sponsee + sponsor, Jesus, Martin's family, Banning, all the people in and out of recovery - every one! But I also realized I can just LOVE EVERY ONE no matter what.
TODAY = DO CALENDAR
1-16-13: Meeting w/Margo NOTES
What I'm noticing about myself: one of the reasons my life gets unmanageable is because I take on more than I can handle. I need to set the boundary of letting things go when I'm not handling my other priorities.
We were entertained by the fact that I see my behavior around men - but when will I see the seriousness?
It's okay to laugh about our insanity
We need to think about how our actions might be affecting others
I would want to be friends with a guy who would treat me the same way as if his gf was around.
Whether the guy is single/taken, are my actions honorable?
At work: DON'T TALK ABOUT PERSONAL LIFE.
People will ask you questions - private! - people are nosy - you have to be able to not answer them - "I don't feel comfortable answering that"
"I'm a private person"
People have no right to your information
Don't need to justify - "I said yes to this, but I don't want to any more."
"I so appreciate you needing me, but I have other commitments now"
MEMORIZE: When you start saying "because" and/or explaining yourself you see giving your power away!
The story is not necessary!
Sex
The people that violated you (me) - pg 69 2nd paragraph = apply it to THEM. What should you have done instead.
How did they hurt you? How angry are you? How did you have to deal with them afterwards? How did that feel? How did it feel to have no one to tell, no one on your side if you did tell?
First look at being the victim/survivor (different approach).
Wait until next week for the next part.
Look at the idea of it being a sprint rather than a marathon - when you're sprinting you miss the things you wouldn't in a marathon.
Look at your resentments and write down the PATTERNS.
When I'm bored and not fulfilled, I look for damaging/toxic things to do to fill up time (like alcohol).
Women's meetings - or if mixed meetings STAY AWAY FROM THE MEN
IMPATIENT - pray for character defect to be removed
DVD - Law of attraction - "The Secret"
LIKING ATTENTION - character defect
Going over the line to obsession = becomes defect
Everything that you like will always be waiting
Life - think of the heart monitor
-without ups and downs, you're dead! Flatline = dead!
-We're always gonna have the boop-boops
ASSIGNMENT
CHILL -> Relax! Or maybe I should say "Relaaaaaahhhx"
Journal Entry: 1-16-13
I miss Evan. I don't know what to do.
So annoyed with myself - I went to Blockbuster just hoping that cute guy was working. He wasn't and I ended up getting a movie that I didn't even want. Somehow I convinced myself that I wanted to see a movie when I really just wanted to see that cute guy. Totally didn't watch the movie either. Or eat dinner. Just came home and spent 2 hrs on facebook before I even put my groceries away.
Not gonna beat myself up - definitely needed to write it down though. How many more times am I gonna go to Blockbuster just to (hopefully) see that hot guy? What do I really gain from this? What does it do for me? Makes my heart beat faster?
I pay for Netflix for crying out loud.
Journal Entry: 1-17-13
I understand what Peter means when he says he was "sick of sobriety" after 7 years. Fuck, I'm sick of sobriety after not even 1 year. In two days I'll have been in recovery for 1 year.
I guess it's because it'll also have been 1 month since I've talked to Evan in 2 days. I really miss him and I'm pissed at people in meetings for their stupid suggestion of "no relationships for a year." What the fuck ever.
How can I be in such a bad mood when I just watched "The Secret"?
Maybe it's because I spent a SHITLOAD of money today for NO REASON and took 2 hours off from working and took ALL DAY doing a task that should've taken me TWO HOURS.
And my sponsor said she's done hearing about my guy issues - she just wants to hear about my step work + keep it to the book.
I'm getting tired of alcohol recovery and all its "suggestions".
I'm not showing up to choir practice or early church and I'm not showing up to my friends' concerts that I say I'm going to go to. I'm not honoring commitments.
I didn't talk to my sponsee today.
Breeze went 4 months without sex and look at her now - she's going nuts wanting it. It hasn't been a full month for me even and I'm going nuts.
No one in this town's recovery meetings are young or going through what I'm going through. I can't fucking stand it any more.
Journal Entry: 1-18-13
How typical is it that when I don't want to follow my sponsor's suggestions that I get a new sponsor?
My solution has always been to run away.
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