The Memoir Outline: 4-6

(But first, a bit of rambling.)

I was just going back through all of my posts and "labeling" them. I have another blog, on Wordpress, with 271 followers. It's well-read, and that may be because I tag my posts on that blog. As a matter of fact, the tags are so effective that if you Google a certain word that I've tagged numerous times (I won't tell you which word), a bunch of my pictures show up in Google Images. That's pretty exciting. That, and, I think more people are interested in photography than about some chick losing her marbles and trying to gather them up again. I think actual marbles are probably more interesting than that. They are pretty cool-looking.

 

I had labeled my posts here on this blog in the past, but then I removed all the labels because I was only allowed 200 characters per "bunch of labels", and I had a hard time excluding certain ones. But, with my Google Images discovery, I decided to add labels back on to my posts here yesterday. 

In so doing, of course, I had to read through each post again to find keywords. And when I read them, I was more than a little embarrassed, and more than just a few times, I just wanted to skim over the incoherence and delete the post entirely in disgust. I dunno, maybe it's a good thing I only have one follower here. (But thank you so very much, you loyal follower, you.) 

I didn't really stick to my original plan for this blog, at all. I wanted to write about relationships I've had, from childhood through now. But there are many posts where I'm ruminating and trying to “make sense” of "everything" in a sort of "diary" or journal-istic kind of way. Begrudgingly, I've decided not to delete anything – who wouldn't want to keep a record of her own insanity? (That's only half sarcastic.) But now, I'm finally working on the real thing. The word is memoir (n.): account, biography, history, chronicle, record – those are some of its synonyms. I believe a memoir answers the question, “What happened?” Further details provide answers to who, when, where, and how, but as for the why – if I don’t have the answer to that myself, perhaps I oughtn’t tackle that question. At least, not yet. Or maybe I’ll leave that to the readers’ interpretations entirely.

I still appreciate my inventory - it was a good start. But, instead of picking men with whom I’ve been involved at random about whom to write (the word “random” here modifies the “picking”, although it could certainly modify the being “involved”, in plenty of cases), my goal now is to chronicle – chronologically – the who, what, when, where, and how, in a coherent fashion. I’m reducing each “chapter” to such minimal elements. I'm not interested in superfluous, mellifluous, figurative, and whatever-other-adjectives-make-for "intelligent"-sounding language. I’m interested in the clear facts, subject-verb style. I think of Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises, and maybe a bit of Stephen King (I always hated King’s style – such simple sentences got on my nerves). And of course Brad Land - I'm throwing quotations marks out the window for now, to save time (but I won't throw out periods or capitalization, most likely).

Ultimately, my hope is to get help with my writing at some point, and I think the best way is to start with nearly nothing, leaving room for plenty of notes. I prefer building slowly upon a foundation to repainting, remodeling, or downright unmerciful demolition.

I'll be adding much. I'll expand, expound, describe. I’ll have places in my outline where I’ll say, “Ooh, this will be a good place to go back to add a scene from my childhood.” That's what all the "good" memoirs seem to do.

But now that I've superfluously expounded upon writing, here's some more actual writing (again, bare bones, subject-verb style). Here's my memoir outline, 4-6, draft 4:

4

Evan and I have been having sex for two weeks, since the night I left Ronnie. I’ve been seeing Lyle back at the apartment every day and still working. I lie to Ronnie and say I’ve been going between my aunt Jessie’s and my friend Rochelle’s. I don’t tell Ronnie about Evan. I can’t live at Evan’s parents’, so I’ve decided to live with my aunt Jessie. I’ve been getting things from the apartment and out of storage and taking them to my aunt’s. Clothes, books. I used to live there in high school.

I’m in Evan’s car. We’re kissing. I love you, I say. Don’t use those words, he says. I’m sorry, I say. I guess I’m just so used to saying that, I say. Don’t worry about it, he says. We kiss some more.

Evan goes to work and I go back to the apartment to see Lyle and to get more things. I get in a fight with Ronnie. He takes the car keys away from me. I put a bunch of my CDs in a bag and sling it over my shoulder and I go out walking.

I go down Ammunition and turn left down Main St. I walk about a mile-and-a-half.

The Irish Pub. There’s a band playing. I go inside. It's The Clovers. I recognize the piano player. It’s Jennie. She and I were in the music program together at Mira Costa Community College, where I sang and she accompanied me. I drink a few bloody maries and listen to them play. I talk to some people I recognize from high school. Aaron Simpson wants my phone number but I don’t give it to him. I have a boyfriend, I say. I call Evan to come pick me up.

5

I go back to the apartment to get bill stubs for the dissolution paperwork and to spend time with Lyle. Ronnie lets me in, like he has for the past two months. Lyle and I watch Barney together while Ronnie asks me questions.

I get the bill stubs out of the closet and start putting them in a box. Ronnie comes in and starts taking them out of the box. You aren’t taking anything with my name on it, he says. I put them back in the box. Yes I am, I say. He grabs the box. I grab the box. He grabs my arms. Lyle comes in. I go to pick him up but Ronnie picks him up first. I punch Ronnie in the face. Lyle is crying. I grab the box and I leave.

6

I take Lyle out to the park on my days off. I go to pick him up.

Ronnie’s mom comes down the steps and I roll my window down. She hands me some papers, stapled, and walks away. I start reading. It’s a restraining order. I have to stay away from Lyle and Ronnie. I can’t contact Ronnie at all.

I scream and cry and beat my steering wheel and I plead with God. I turn the ignition, put the car in reverse, and then I drive to the courthouse, crying.

There isn’t anything I can do, they say. Just have to wait for the court date in three weeks, they say.

The Memoir Outline: 1-3

1

Family outing to the Oceanside pier. In preparation, Ronnie drinks.

Instead of going to the pier with us as planned, Ronnie has me drop him off at the Headhunter Saloon. I take Lyle down the pier for a milkshake and fries. Sunset, pelicans, surfers. We race and I pretend to lose. He wants to take off his shoes, but I daren’t let him. Too many fishermen. And splinters.

We go back to pick Ronnie up. He’s standing outside the saloon in a circle of people, smoking. He doesn’t want to come with me. I get money out of the ATM and give it to him and tell him to take a cab home.

I take Lyle to Chuck E. Cheese and wait for Ronnie’s call. They’re open late. I play games with Lyle. 20 minutes, Ronnie calls. They kicked me out of the bar, he says. I need you to come get me, they’re calling the cops, he says. I say too bad, and I hang up on him. Lyle and I play some more. He calls a few more times. I don’t answer. He calls again. I answer and I tell him we’re on our way.

I pick him up and take him to Weinerschnitzel to get some food in him. At the drive-through window he says, please don’t be mad, but I kissed two women at the bar.

2

Ronnie’s drunk. He’s banging against Lyle’s bedroom door. Lyle and I are inside. I’m holding Lyle close to me and reading him a book on the other side of the room. Ronnie kicks the door in and breaks the door frame. Get away from us, I scream. I’m calling 9-1-1, I say. He takes my phone. I pick up Lyle and get by Ronnie but he grabs my arm and pushes me and gets in front of us and blocks the front door. You’re not going anywhere, he says. He puts a hole in the wall with his fist. He walks towards us. I take Lyle into my and Ronnie’s bedroom. We’re both crying. Ronnie is banging on our bedroom door.

Ronnie stops banging and yelling. I sing and rock Lyle to sleep. Lyle falls asleep. I open the bedroom door and Ronnie is passed out on the floor in the hallway.

3

Ronnie and I are fighting. He’s drunk. We’re going to the courthouse tomorrow morning to get a divorce, he says.

I get my phone and my keys and my purse.

Fine, I say. Actually, fuck you, I’m leaving right now, I say. I fucking hate you and I hope I never see you again, I say. I go over to pick up Lyle out of his high chair. Lyle’s crying. Ronnie gets to him first and grabs Lyle and picks him up. I try to pry Ronnie’s arms loose. He won’t let go of Lyle. I stomp on Ronnie’s foot. He doesn’t let go. Lyle is crying. I’m crying. Ronnie is yelling. Thank you for the worst ten years of my life, Ronnie says. You’re not taking Lyle, he says. You’re insane, he says. If you’re leaving, then leave, he says.

I leave Ronnie and Lyle.

I go to my car. I’m crying in the drivers’ seat. I turn the ignition and put it in reverse and I start backing up, then I put it in drive and start driving down the apartments’ parking lot.

I pull out on Mission Rd. I don’t know where to go. I’ve been texting my co-worker Evan a lot lately, complaining about Ronnie. At work last week he said I should leave Ronnie.

I text Evan while crying and driving. I did it, I say. I left Ronnie, but I don’t know what to do, I say. Come over here, he says. I say, I can’t, that’s too scary. Then let’s get to the scary part, he says. I say okay.

I drive over to Evan's mom and stepdad’s house where Evan lives. He meets me on the steps in front of the house. It’s the first time I’ve seen him not in his uniform and cap. He’s wearing a button-up plaid, long-sleeved shirt and jeans, and his hair is flat against his forehead.

I park and walk up to him, slowly. He kisses me. He lifts me up. He carries me into his house as we kiss. He takes me to the living room and he starts taking off his clothes. I take off mine. We have sex on the recliner. Then the couch. Then the floor.

When we’re done, we get dressed and he cooks salmon, collard greens and mashed potatoes. He pours me a glass of wine, and him a glass. After I drink my glass, I try to put the cork back in the top of the bottle. I don't usually drink wine. Evan laughs. Usually when two people open a bottle of wine, he says, they drink the whole thing. I laugh and pour myself another glass. I don’t like to drink much, he says. It hurts my stomach, he says. I finish off the wine. We eat the food and talk.

We go upstairs to his bedroom and we have more sex.

The Berklee School of Music Singer/Songwriter, part 3

Wow, I am a selfish biatch.

And I'm clearly an addict.

Here's my morning:

I text Jason at 10 am. (It was hard to even wait that long, but I didn't want to seem desperate.) I check my phone every five minutes for two hours. Then I text him again. He texts me back, and I can finally smile. Then more waiting, impatiently, on edge. Feeling worthless. Irritable. Discontent.

Meanwhile, I'm only half-present for my son.

That's pretty much how my whole day went. I half-played with my son, took Melia to the doctor and the pharmacy, took my son to a playground and to the airpark, but never was my attention fully on him, or her. All I could think about, all day was, "When's he gonna text me again? Come on!"

We did text a little throughout the day, but it was sporadic, and it was mostly him saying he was busy...he was as at work (duh), then he was writing music (which he does), then his grandpa was in the hospital, and then he didn't feel well. I called to talk to him, but he didn't answer. It was right after he had texted me, too. Then in a text message I offered for him to come over so he wouldn't be alone, but he didn't want to. He just wanted to go to bed.

But of course, that was me being selfish, under the guise of being of service.

Really, come on, Adora.

Meanwhile, I texted 3 other guys today. Two were in response, one was initiated by me. All 3 platonic, but still...why do I need attention from men in order to feel okay?

I also called 3 women, so I didn't just focus on guys. But with the 3 women I talked to, two of them didn't have time to talk, and the third one just wanted to talk about her own problems, so we did, and I offered her solutions that I pretend work for me.

Even my aunt with whom I live has noticed something's been wrong with me. "Are you okay?" she asked me today. "You've been quiet." It's true; I told her I've been depressed. I've begun to withdraw, more and more. I'm starting to hide from people. I'm glad I'm going to be seeing a therapist twice a week now, but I'm nervous about that, too. At our first meeting she brought up damn meds.

I remember before Margaret committed suicide, she shared with me her desire to get off her anti-depressants because she just didn't like not being able to feel. She hated being numb. A week later, she was dead.

It scares me, the idea of being medicated. Why must it be? Hell, my therapist is even talking about how my son may have ADHD. Fucking a', bitch, he's four.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me. I did all my spiritual guru prayer meditation shit today, but there's still this part of me that looks at everything in existence as totally meaningless. I'm driving, looking at road signs, and saying to myself, "Fuck that sign. What's the point of that fucking sign? There's no fucking point. Fuck it." Yesterday on the way to pick up my son I fantasized about pulling into a row of palm trees lining the middle of the road.

I'm so glad I have my son. He makes me laugh. He astonishes me with his brilliance, his innocence, his unconditional love. I want to see him grow up. I don't know the future. For some reason I expect every day to be my last day here -- I don't know why I'm just feeling like it's pretty much all over, all ready -- but I'm not suicidal; I have no REAL desire to end my life.

Still, I'm having a hard time enjoying anything besides laying in bed. Writing's okay. Singing's not so bad. But even with writing and singing, I'm like, "What's the point?"

I'm so glad I have things to read. I need to read a hell of a lot more. All this isolation just coops me up with my own ridiculously drab thoughts. I need to go to more recovery meetings, too. I'm at maybe three a week. But even then, I go to meetings and I look down my nose at people. "You pathetic, lying humans," I think to myself. I think everyone's full of shit. How I became Holden Caulfield, I have no idea. That persona is so played.

My therapist thinks I haven't fully allowed myself to grieve my losses. My parents, my siblings, my husband, Margaret, my boyfriends (or at least Evan, the one I was closest to). My son for half the week. My innocence...my identity...my inner child...or some shit.

She also has noticed that I don't have any girl friends. That is weird, I have to admit. I have some female friends in recovery, but they all have the qualification of helping me stay sober and vice versa...like they're not real friends; they just serve a purpose. I don't know what the hell it's like to be someone's friend, really. I've always been a loner. I've always preferred reading and writing over interacting with actual people. I don't like it when people don't like me. I give them too much power, and yet I can't seem to stop doing that. And yet they probably don't even not like me.

I heard myself say today, as I was getting me and my son into the car at 2:00 pm to go get Melia, "That's it - he doesn't like me any more," just because Justin wasn't texting me off the hook. I laughed at myself and thought, "What if someone thought that about me? 'She didn't text me back right away; she doesn't like me any more.'" The idea was completely ridiculous. Just because I don't respond to someone's every text doesn't mean I don't like him/her. Duh.

And so then I circle back around to, "Why the hell am I being so selfish? Why do I need to be liked? Why can't I just love people, and leave it at that? Why do I feel so damn deprived?"

I don't know. I need to widen my circle. Be less judgmental. Stop thinking my shit don't stink. Or stop thinking I stink like shit. Whatever extreme, neither are real. Stuff matters. Life has meaning. There's a reason for all this. I'm not gonna be a broke-ass student working two part-time jobs forever...unless I keep dropping my classes like I did last semester and keep missing work like I've done five times in the past couple weeks.

The Berklee School of Music Singer/Songwriter

So, it's been determined that I am, in fact, insane, but to what extent hasn't yet been decided by my therapist.

While trudging through the Dark Night of the Soul this past month, I finally decided to go ahead and make a damn appointment. I hadn't seen my therapist in over a year. I called every day from this past Tuesday to this past Friday, trying to get the appointment. I was being persistent because I was being told that she (my therapist) would call me back, and each day I was falling deeper and deeper into a sort of depression that I'd forgotten could exist, and she wasn't calling me back. Thankfully, she did, finally, and was even able to have a phone session with me on Saturday. The session consisted of me talking for an hour, catching her up on the past year, and her talking for 15 minutes, suggesting a couple things for me to do, as well as setting up another appointment for Wednesday (yesterday). And yesterday she set up appointments for Mondays and Wednesdays, based on my apparently tragic condition, so she can see me twice a week and try to figure out what the hell is going on that makes me want to do absolutely nothing.

I've heard about people seeing the world in shades of gray. About not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, or do anything, or go anywhere, or talk to anyone. I missed four days of work and my world was the color of feces. I just didn't want to be in it any more. No matter where I was, it just wasn't where I wanted to be. Nothing in the world was good - not even being with my son, which is the thing that's saved me so many times before. I even freaking got baptized. But it only got worse.

Today's finally sort of a little okay. I'm missing work again (my boss is sick, so there isn't anything for me to do there any way since they took all my responsibilities away saying that I'm over-qualified and that now I need to train my boss so he knows how to do his own damn job since I'm going to be graduating from school at some point and will move onto bigger and "better" - not 20 hrs/week $10/hour - things). My work situation has contributed to my depression a lot, for sure. They just made me stop doing all the things I do because I'm so much better at doing them than my boss is, and instead of letting me do them, they want me to show him how to do them, because don'tcha know, I'm a "temporary" employee, and since they can't afford to really actually hire me, they're gonna keep paying me less than this guy who I'm training. Yeah, it's depressing, all right.

Of course, you know that's not the only thing getting me down. Ahh...what we're all here for...relationships. This blog began as a relationship inventory. Relationships just haven't gone too well for me, understatedly -- namely, relationships with my parents and their significant others, relationships with my other family members, work relationships, relationships with "friends", the relationship with my husband, relationships with all the men I've somehow managed not to be successful at not getting involved with...these have all driven me completely insane, apparently (and well, again, the therapist and my doctor are going to decide the level of my insanity).

When I last posted, I had gotten back into a relationship with the boyfriend I'd left my husband for (the boyfriend with whom I'd broken up over and over in order to be with other men who'd wanted to be with me, before going back to him over and over when it didn't work out with those men - for two years - until he took off to Canada in September for three months and I finally had to face these demons without him).

I like to rewind and recap: So this boyfriend's name is Evan (#1) (and not his real name, of course). Those other men I just talked about are #2 through #26 (DAMN). After Evan left to Canada in September, I went and dated and had sex with a guy I'd pined over for like a year, who, afterwards, told me he had herpes (#27). I considered that a good enough rock bottom to want to really be done with men (and what choice did I have, I thought, if I might have contracted an STD?). I told my friend Margaret about it and she started taking me to meetings for sex and love addicts. Margaret's boyfriend was cheating on her, she thought, and he didn't want to be with her any more; she was so torn up that she decided she might be a love addict and thought 12-step programs would help her. They didn't (she didn't really try, IMO). After Margaret committed suicide (I had completed 42 successful days of "no men" and was going for 90), I ran into a guy who'd composed music for a video about suicide. When I talked to him about my experience with Margaret, he asked for my number, asked me out on a date, and we had sex even though I didn't want to. He was #29 (I'm counting Jesus as #28).

So, I went back to "Day 0". I've still been going to meetings, but I just haven't been able to get back to the whole "no men" thing. I haven't been able to put even one day together without some kind of pursuit of them (or at least without responding to them favorably). Margaret's death flipped me completely upside down; she was the one who was helping me with this "guy stuff"...or maybe I should say her death just put me back where I was. It was helping me to write about it...but once she died, I didn't even have the desire to do that any more, and it's been hard to get back to this inventory stuff.

I managed to stop seeing the suicide video/satellite communications engineer guy, but then Evan came back from Canada in December and asked me to the movies. I accepted, because that's what I do. But after a couple weeks I remembered, again, that I don't like him that much, and, more importantly, I don't like how unmanageable my life gets in my "relationship addiction", so, I operated via the standardly oft-repeated modus, and I had sex with the suicide video guy again, just so that I could get out of the relationship with Evan again...because gee, don'tcha know, I can't just be all, "Oh, yeah, sorry, dude, I forgot, I'm too fucked up for all this, and I don't want to be with you - my bad."

That was on January 1, go figure. Way to start the New Year, eh? I totally avoided writing about it, too, until now. But I do feel a bit better, doing so.

Oh, but - there's more.

I had called #23 (refer to the inventory to the right, somewhere) back in November when Margaret died, and we started talking again. His story is, when his wife left him six years ago, he wanted to kill himself, but instead of pulling the trigger of the gun that he was holding to his head on the pier, he checked into a psych ward and then a rehab and got sober. I hadn't talked to him since April, besides a few tens of obsessive emails I'd sent him after I stopped dating him (and I had stopped dating him because I got painful withdrawals from being away from him, and I figured it would be better to just end it and let go completely than to keep enduring those withdrawals...they sucked a lot of ass and hurt really, really badly). When I called him in November I used him like a therapist and spilled my guts, and would do so about every couple weeks, until a couple Thursdays ago, when I asked if I could see him in person, because I was depressed and needed a friend.

When I spent the night with him, I told him that I didn't want to have sex. He actually respected me. I think that's the first time that's ever happened with a male. (That statement belongs in bold.) So, the following week I went and spent the night with him again (this was last Friday, the day before I finally talked to my therapist on the phone, which I did from his apartment). And this time he was sick, so, we didn't even hug. We just talked. He just...totally...cared...about me...both times. It was shocking.

My obsession for him was lifted back in May, so these days he really is more of a friend. And he just showed me what a friend actually looks like. But I have developed a new obsession.

Of course, we'll call this one #30. He's the real reason I got rid of the other two guys (the Pizza Delivery Boyfriend and the Satellite Communications Engineer), in one fell swoop, 22 days ago, by the way. It wasn't just me not liking those other guys, or actually finally trying to change for real now. Nope - along came Jason.

I've "known" him since July, when I started singing at the church he works at as the sound engineer. I added him on facebook on Dec 29, he said hi in a facebook message, we messaged each other for hours, and he suggested we "jam" because he's also a musician (he sings w/piano). The jam invitation, over these past few weeks, turned into daily texting, which turned into sexting, which turned into us hanging out, which turned into us having sex, which turned into him becoming my boyfriend a few days ago (on Jan 19).

Okay, I can't write about this any more for now. I'm glad I've gotten this much out so far, though. I hope to get back into writing again, even though my classes have started - I have three of them. And two jobs. And meetings. And a four year-old. And a boyfriend. And now...therapy that I'm paying for and will probably end up taking some kind of medication because of -- oh, but, well, I guess I shouldn't say that I'll be taking meds because of the therapy, but because of whatever "disorders" my therapist and my doctor decide I have. General anxiety disorder has been mentioned. The depression may be situational, she says, but she's not sure yet, so we're gonna keep meeting twice a week to figure this all out.

But I'm really depressed about it the whole damn thing, if you want to know the truth (sorry, I do love Salinger's Holden).

One More Letter from the Pizza Delivery Boyfriend: "The Dumpy Sad Ex-Boyfriend"

I'm going to write a post tonight or tomorrow about my ex-boyfriend, "Evan", who has been sending me sad emails. As a preview: he was hired as a delivery driver at Pizza Hut where I worked in 2011 as an assistant manager. Same age as me (at the time, 27-28). I left my husband of ten years (together ten years, but married at 7) to be with him in October. Told him I loved him two weeks later; he told me not to use those words. I broke up with him. He wanted me back. I cheated on him. He wanted me back. I broke up with him. He wanted me back. I cheated on him. He wanted me back. Ad infinitum, until December 2012 - I broke up with him and it didn't matter that he wanted me back. I didn't go back to him until July 2013 (in December I wanted to be alone and recover, but kept getting into relationships; finally I wanted him back because he was "better" than all the other guys I'd been with - I loved him more, and he was a better lover, I mean). Broke up with him again in August 2013 to be with someone else, again. Broke up with that guy and went back to Evan, who had planned a 3-month trip to Canada with his best friend/novelist John (Evan's an artist - he was gonna paint) while we were broken up the last time. I wanted him to stay; he wanted to go. He left. I realized it was for the best and I didn't want him any more and decided to be with someone else. That's all a bunch of crap but it catches you up.

That guy (#27: The Propane Truck Driver) had sex with me and told me he had herpes. I realized I didn't want to be with any one any more because I didn't like who/what I'd become, plus, I probably had herpes, for all I knew (have been tested lots since; don't have it). But I saw it as a gift from God (choirs of angels singing). Entered sex/love addiction recovery very seriously on October 16, 2013. Relapsed November 21 after the woman who brought me into recovery (Margaret) killed herself and a guy at a concert who'd scored a film he'd created about a guy committing suicide asked me for my number when I went up to talk to him about it. He asked me out on a date and we had sex even though I told him I didn't want to have sex until marriage after what I'd been through the last two years and that I might have herpes. I kept seeing him through December 9 even though I knew I needed to get back to recovery and being alone (me = selfish; he had a lot to offer).

Now it's December 11. I'm on Day 2 again of recovery (I had made it all the way to Day 42 the first time) after adding another name to the list (I'm sorry, "James"; I really am), and I'm going for no less than 90 this time. Ideally, I'd actually rather not date or get into a relationship until either my divorce is final (I filed two years ago now - waiting on him, though), or until I reconcile with my husband (not sure which will be the case - not even sure which one I want). (James didn't like the fact that I wasn't divorced, and it hit me - duh).

So right now, I'm just rooting for me - I get to recover now. Grow up. When most women are "bachelorettes" and "coming of age" between 18-24, I was with my husband. I never got that period of being alone and coming into my own Being. So now I am, at 30.

I'm also continuing on with my relationship inventory, which I'm posting here on this blog. It's part of my healing process. And I plan on using some of it, eventually, for a memoir that I'd like to publish in 2 to 5 years (probably closer to 5, so I can make it really, really good). For now, it's scattered, not continuous/congruous/cohesive/coherent (in many places). Leaving things out. Just gathering information, facts, thoughts, feelings. Focusing on relationships. Need to read more memoirs for examples (like Mary Karr's - I had stopped reading when Margaret died....time to get back on the horse).

I have posted a few of these emails from Evan as I prepare to write about him (he's #1: The Pizza Delivery Boyfriend). (I don't mean to dehumanize them with nick-names. Rather, one of the main points of this inventory is to see where I've hurt people. But their names - like Evan, James, Bruce, Ronnie - those are all made up any way, so the descriptors actually make it easier for me to remember who they were. Sad, I know.) So here's his latest email; he keeps reminding me how much I hurt him, and it's good, in a way (although after this one, I plan to block them, since I'm powerless not to respond and I keep making myself late for work, since he writes after 2:00 am I get them in the morning).

I had asked Evan to stop trying to suck me into his vortex - I'd heard that phrase somewhere and wanted to use it - so that's why he begins this way:

Sllllluuuuuurrrrrrrp!  I'm trying hard to be an un-vortex.  Part of me wants you to be happy, part of me wants to have you, and still another part wants you to feel the pain that I feel because you've shown what my love is worth.. and its embarrassing to have to realize it isn't much.  I wish I was a more lovable person and that I inspired loyalty, but I don't think I'm that kind of person and knowing thyself is part of transcendence.  I always wanted to have my own family to look after since I was young.  I thought loyalty and honesty were the things a family man had to have and I guess I just see that as silly now looking at ours and other past relationships.  I don't know who else to express these things too.  If they bring you down a little... good.  Filling your life with nothing but positive people and places is a fools errand.. not being affected by the negative I think is the secret. 

Anyhow I'm not always negative.  I don't think others would put up with me as long as they have if that were true.  I think because you've now lapped me in terms of dating that it puts me in a different class... Like I can't keep up.  I'm not good enough for you.  I know you say its the spiritual churchiness I lack and the income, but if I was a quiet churchgoer with a pad I still think you would think yourself in a different class because of how many men you've had at your fingertips over the past few years with no 500 pound gorilla in the room to scare them off.  We skinny boys can seduce a whole lot of women but its the strong scary ones that keep them more often than not.  I really think that is what rolls across your mind when you roll your eyes at my sad messages.  I'll stop bumming you out soon enough.  I don't keep too many friends, dove, and I keep the ones I have for a long time.  So when you just move on past me because I take off (for a damn good reason) I'm still wanting to talk about my problems with you... only YOU is the problem.

So anyway... I jut smoked a shit ton of weed and laughed with a couple Canucks for the past 5 hours... So I'm not getting great sex with someone utterly new and fascinating who is fascinated with me while working a dream job and hanging out with a cool kid... I still know how to have a good time.  If your dumpy sad ex-boyfriend sends you the occasional depressing email what's it to you.  Just don't respond or be a total asshole until I run off like in "White Fang" with Ethan Hawk and that wolf-dog.

Another Letter from the Pizza Delivery Boyfriend: "The Fukmygirlfriend Disaster"

Click for soundtrack.

Here I go at 3:15.  I read more of course... and my stomach hurt of course.  Just bored and going a bit nuts I guess.  Jealous of your ability to find sex partners in part and disgusted in part, but mostly a feeling of obsoleteness and a kind of peace that maybe a terminally ill person could get knowing they must have HIV or some terrible exposure from the 'Fukishima Disaster' or the 'Fukmygirlfriend Disaster'. 

Knowing more and more what kind of men excite you I start to understand myself as just a filler, a step stone kind of like Bruce but a step up in the sack.  You are the best liar and flatterer I've known besides maybe my father (thank our lord and savior he's in Baltimore or you might have slept with him too... he's a man's man kind of type... just a bit old... and a nasty case of herpes). I think I learned a lot about what I need to change to have a woman to keep... to have and to hold and to bear my children... one with a suitable sex drive that won't fatten up so I have to divorce her anyway.

I need a job that doesn't require promotion for increased reward because men see me like you do as an unfortunate perma-boy toy not fit for responsibility.  Too old now for promotion anyway.  My God the most humiliating thing in your diatribes and ruminations is I'm barely mentioned except for as a side note... with all the time I spent with you while we were together.  That is how I am seen in the workforce.  You only had childcare duty for me while out looking for a more equipped tool.  Some instinct inside you must have known I was trustworthy and competent enough for the grunt work while you went out looking for real men who have important-big-dick activities to do like manage people instead of watching toddlers.  I need to own a place a bit off the grid so my special girl won't be socializing with other men while I'm off working to support her ass... no apartment complexes.  She doesn't laugh like a whore at other men's jokes... hopefully she works at a job with mostly other women and queers so she isn't being constantly chipped away by real men with more money and bigger cocks.  Maybe she works with kids and she definitely doesn't belong to groups with all kinds of fucked up narcissistic horny loud men that coach each other on how not to die from drinking... or other groups that I'm not a part of and never will be.   How about a book club or a guild instead of brainwashing factories and cheap therapy.    In fact she shouldn't be socializing with any men that earn more... (that's everyone) or have bigger biceps, stronger backs and of course fatter, harder hogs (just about everyone). 

I don't think you would have married Jesus before 30... Skinny.  Good talker and listener.  Compassionate. Probably a tender kisser because he's a bit feminine and delicate with artists hands.  A bit of a know-it-all and a philosopher (he is the son of God).  Witty and slender... stern and convicted.  A simple man.  A carpenter.  A rambler.  Average dick that he does his best with only when he's in love.  Loves his "Virgin" mother.  Not reaching his potential or ambitions until late in life... So boring that they don't even talk about him until he walks out of the wilderness at age 30 having conquered temptations of flesh and power, and yet still so easy to be around.  Laid back and forgiving.  Nearly free of ego.  Scared to death to leave his nepotism and face an unforgiving world only armed with truth and no unconditional love to fall back on... just love worn raw.  None of those things seem to match any of the men you write about.  Obsess about.  Men like me that are more Christ-like than the ones you get wet to.  You definitely would have at least tried to sleep with him when he started getting notorious, but he probably would have turned you down or not been as good a lay as the last guy you screwed who was the center of attention.  Oh-well maybe if you try them all you'll find the right one.  Anyway that's off track and a bit low for someone as Christ-like as myself.  I'm sure God will present me with a path to that reality before I melt away into dust... just do one thing and let me know if you caught anything nasty from these sexy men who spread their seed with such perfection.  Knowing what diseases I might carry from you makes my path more clear in a morbid sense.  And you certainly owe me that courtesy.

Okay so maybe I'm too petty to be Christ-like, but I definitely am more so than the 28 you've Loved.  At least Jesus [?] before age 30.  Even my hair and beard are becoming more Christ-like... I masturbate and watch porn less and less because its cold and all those sluts just remind me of you and the guys they fuck are just like the ones you forget me for.  Thank you for helping me quell that nasty habit before I developed arthritis in my painting hand.  Less attachment to worldly things unfortunately makes us less interested in being in this world... I think I always had you beat in that department, but it certainly can lead to destruction like it did Christ.  You're too materialistic to destroy yourself fully.  There's always a better human being around the corner to love you down or maybe you can fix others who don't know how badly you've hurt lesser people.  Like a meat market.  Just don't wind up a money-changer in his Church... He REALLY doesn't like that.  Christ is merely a man for whom truth became more important than life.  Simply know thyself and to thyself be true.   People saw that and sent shock waves throughout history.  It left a perfect scar in all of us so even the non-believers can't help but revere his sacrifice. 

If you test positive for anything let me know.  I'm too cowardly to check myself.

I'll be trying not to fantasize about you coming out in those shorts while I was shadow boxing with your son.  Fuck my brain.

"Closure" via Revisiting Some Old Notes; Margaret, part 6

I sang some songs at Margaret's memorial service tonight. It was a beautifully spiritual service, with lots of people who loved her in attendance. I was asked by her sponsor if I wanted to speak. I declined. After every meeting Margaret and I had together, we'd pinky swear and do a zipping-our-lips motion. So I didn't feel like saying anything in front of the crowd. But the songs went well. She had told me she really wanted to hear me sing. So she got to, tonight.

I was going through my journal the other day and I found some notes that I'd written from my and Margaret's first meetings back in January (almost a year ago now) when she was my sponsor. She gave me all kinds of assignments and things to do and think about. It's actually a lot of good stuff, if I would have just listened. I thought it was too much to handle then, so I dropped her as a sponsor and went back to the sponsor I'd had before her and before Jane. But then in October she and I re-connected over the "man issue" (since I was still having the same issue...had become the queen of the "man issue") and she took me to sex and love addiction recovery with her. Sad that I made it and she didn't. (Knock on wood...but I'm doing quite well, considering where I was at nearly a year ago.)

In Margaret's honor, I'm going to revisit those notes. The notes she gave me come first and are followed by my journal entries in a different font. The last journal entry by me is pretty defeatist; the good news is, my first sponsor picked me back up right after that and we kept on working the steps (I was only on step 4 back then; now I'm working on 10, 11 and 12), and by now things have improved considerably, especially with the new sex/love recovery meetings and sponsor in addition the alcohol (and debting and being a loved one/family member of alcoholics) recovery. 4 programs, 4 sponsors, 4 times the work = progress, not perfection.

1-4-13: HW and Notes from Margo

(9) Why in step 6 do they call it "defects of character" and in step 7 "shortcomings"? 

PROGRAM OF AWARENESS - doing right, doing wrong, tools to fix what doing wrong

character defect - scholar, driven, "do it right" = like sprint vs marathon = can burn yourself

SURVIVAL SKILLS - no longer serve us - not in those same situations

Man + woman = no friends

"People will show you who they are." - Maya Angelou

We don't have to do this program alone. We talk to qualified people.

Now that you're alone, create yourself, love yourself, be selfish in a healthy way, fill yourself with good things so you will be a better wife to someone else.

You may not meet Mr. Right - let that go and do your life.

Are they good enough for you?

When call, keep it to alcoholism, keep it to the steps. Or say "hey this happened" - be brief, not dramatic. "How do I handle this using the tools?"

THINGS TO WORK ON:
(1) How to step out of gossip - how to get out of "high school" gossip - but how do you do that when you're part of it + fuel it too?

If talking about Jane = resentment

(2) Write about your part with gossip - what you've observed about yourself

(3) Boundary-setting (the unhealthy ones won't like you and make you think you're wrong for setting a boundary; healthy ones will thank you and say you're right)

"I don't feel comfortable talking about that..."

First time you'll say it, you'll die. But-

Hang out with women who show healthy behavior (monkey see, monkey do)
-watch and listen, see what they have to say, what they're about
-longer sobriety doesn't mean they're good
-stick with the winners
-hang out with people who appear successful
-hang out with people who have what you want

(4) What areas other than sobriety do you want to work on?

[Today is your future - you're in your future right now.]

How do you want to spend tomorrow? What are you gonna do tomorrow to live in intention of how you want your future to be? Do you wanna sit tomorrow and worry about your future? Is that how you wanna spend your future?

(5) How do you want your future to look like?

Details: Materialistic, spiritual, physical

(6) Write all the wonderful things you've learned in your 10 months of sobriety (so you can see how you will be on track)
-I'm not alone
-I'm an okay person on my way to becoming a good person
-I don't have to drink or use

BALANCE - not black and white

Template for Life
-Responsible financially, having a job, telling the truth (but don't be a "truth machine" - be careful about telling the truth - could hurt you or others), loving yourself - setting boundaries

Before you call me - write about it first and try to come to a realization

(7) What IS best for you?

(8) Write about men - what do they do for you? What don't they do for you? Once and for all, get it out on paper - what's this man thing all about?

Identity - some women don't know what their identity is unless they have a man in their life.

"I don't need a man to be complete."

Healthy Dating 101: Balance -> relationship with men AND relationships with women

For our next meeting: Bring your writing for the week. Bring your resentments from the past that you write down.

4:30 to 6pm Wednesday

Journal Entry: 1-5-13

(1) Tell the person to talk to his/her sponsor about it, pray about it, journal about it, that I feel uncomfortable talking about another person "behind their back".

(2) Usually I'm just trying to help the person see his or her part in it and help them not gossip, but in so doing I am still perpetuating "talking about" the person.


Journal Entry: 1-6-13

Defects

Impatient
Aggressive
Forceful
I try to change people
Impulsive
Overly sexual
Overly sensual
Desperate
Selfish
No thought of consequences
Fearful
Weak with other people
Headstrong
Over-eager
Naïve
Subservient

Journal Entry: 1-7-13

(9) defect: 1. flaw in something = a physical problem in a machine, structure, or system, especially one that prevents it from functioning correctly

2. inadequate feature = a feature of something that is regarded as inadequate

3. imperfection in the internal structure of a crystal, e.g. an atom of a different substance

shortcoming: 1. deficient performance = a failure or flaw in somebody's character or in a system or organization

flaw: 1. detracting feature = a feature that is regarded as unfavorable.

2. a physical blemish = a physical disfigurement that prevents something from being totally perfect and detracts from its value

Step 6: Were ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

Big Book: Step 6: pg 76: "We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all - every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing."

Step 7: "When ready, we say something like this: 'My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.' "

So why "defects" and "shortcomings"?

I think defects will always be with us. They are intrinsic parts of our make-up. God created us with defects... I believe shortcomings occur when we act in ways that are short of our ideals for ourselves. To "fall short" or "come short" means "to be less than is needed" or to fall short of a goal.

-Asked in a meeting = 3 different people said it was just not to be redundant (didn't want to use the same word twice)!

(3) On boundary-setting today: I was talking to Gary and another lady after the noon meeting (Monday) until 3:40 pm!!! I had wanted it to be over quite a long time before that. But I then thought my higher power had me there to contribute and had me there for a reason - otherwise I totally would have wanted to leave. Question = when I am with someone or people (for example, in a parking lot after a meeting), standing and talking in front of my car, and one of the people got a ride/is getting a ride with me and it's another person that is hanging on and wanting to talk for way too long, how do I tactfully handle the situation if I want out?

"Hey guys I gotta go." Don't need any excuse/reason. Don't apologize too much for your own boundaries. They could get each others' numbers so they could continue the conversation by phone. HONOR THYSELF. Set idea in mind for how long something will take. No one else can pass judgment because you have something to do (or not to do!)

A side note on the 7 sins (wrath, greed/avarice, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony): WASPLEG

When thinking of defects/shortcomings, we can use the 7 sins to see what "defect" might be affecting us adversely and causing us to make "bad" choices. Each of the sins seems to be a mis-use or over-use of an instinct, something God-given and necessary for life. These instincts running wild or taking over leads us to "come short" of our ideal, our ideals being useful to God and to others. I'm going to look at these 7 defects of character and find words that might represent the "healthy", God-given extent to which their instincts are used.

Ah, of course! The virtues opposite the sins!

4 cardinal virtues = prudence, justice, restraint/temperance, courage/fortitude; 3 theological virtues = faith, hope, love/charity.

7 heavenly virtues: sometime before 410 AD, Christian governor Aurelius Prudentius, from a poem "Psychomachia" or "Battle/Contest of the Soul": chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility

chastity - lust, temperance - gluttony, diligence - sloth, humility - pride, kindness - wrath, greed - charity, patience - envy

Sin - "Balance" - Virtue
Envy - Ambition/Goal-setting/Hope - Patience/Faith

Greed - Self-care - Charity

Sloth - Rest - Diligence

Gluttony - Nourishment - Temperance/Abstinence)

Lust - (Safe sex? Procreation? Monogomy? Restraint? Resistance? What is the healthy balance between lust and chasity?) (took 3 months for me to figure this one out, 3-31-13:) LOVE - Chastity/Abstinence

Pride - Self-esteem/Courage/Fortitude - Humility

Wrath - Self-protection/Defense/Security - Kindness/Love

(4) What are some areas other than sobriety that you want to work on?

With Margo: The steps, sponsorship, service

For Me:
1. boundary-setting
2. seeing reality
3. future-planning / goal-setting
4. not regretting the past
5. time management
6. not giving in to people (boundary-keeping)
7. having more faith
8. being grateful for what I do have instead of wanting what I don't
9. not hurting people
10. being a good role model
11. handling stress better


Journal Entry: 1-8-13

(3) Boundary-setting: My problem is that I never set the boundary when initially confronted. It is not until later that I realize that my boundaries have been crossed. But I cross my own non-existent, "later-thought-of" boundary, like feeling I need to invite my sponsee to LEGOLAND with me and my son so "we could talk".

Oh God, help!

Definitely need to set boundaries with my sponsee.

Need it clear when we will meet, once a week. I need a clear plan and don't have one. Yikes!

(5) FUTURE (ideal):

material: own reliable car w/no monthly payment. Have all debt except student loans paid off. Working 9 am to 5 pm or equivalent. Have bigger toaster oven.

Notes - interesting that I don't see living on my own as a possibility. Own house? I can't imagine earning enough money to have that.

Okay, I get it: I HATE THINKING ABOUT MY FUTURE. Thinking about the past and the future is what I drank over. Well who am I kidding, thinking/feeling about the past, present, and future is what I drank over. Psh.

Let's try this again:

FUTURE:

material: out of debt, more reliable car, living in between work/school and where my son and his dad live

spiritual: ask for God's help in morning and thank God at night, have "finished" the steps, go to church every Sunday, go to church choir practice/handbell practice every Thursday

physical: regular dental/doctor visits, get exercise

Journal Entry: 1-9-13

Screw this, I GOT IT: I know what I want for my immediate future. I want to live close to school Monday through Thursday and home Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. That's rent at two places = $200 at Aunt Jessie's and like $1000 if I'm lucky near school. I want to do this for 6 months, then come home for the summer. If I live on campus then electricity + wifi is part of rent. Just have to see when I'll have my son - have to be a place he can stay too. Material - I don't need a whole lot. I can buy things like furniture and "decorations" as I work. Spiritual - I can go to church and hometown meetings on weekends, and meetings close to school Monday through Thursday. Okay, now I'm really fired up. I hated this assignment at first because I couldn't picture any future different than what I have now.

Time management has ALWAYS been a problem for me. I do EVERY THING last minute and still get away with it. I want TIME MANAGED. STABILITY. ROUTINE. SIMPLICITY. Here are all the things I want to have time for in a day:

earn money
go to a meeting
call 3 women
talk/meet with my sponsor
talk/meet with my sponsee
do step work
journal
pay bills
go grocery shopping
spend hours with my son
prepare breakfast/lunch/dinner
do homework/read/go to class
clean/do dishes/do laundry/feed my cats
pray/go to church choir practice/go to church
watch a movie/show

How the HELL do I schedule all this?

What the hell is my schedule gonna look like when I'm working/going to school?

What custody schedule do I want?

And life is unmanageable all over again.

(6) What I've learned in sobriety:

-Things will never be perfect (progress not perfection)
-Only God will restore me to sanity
-Alcoholism and atheism were my excuses for my behavior (2 of them)
-My way isn't only not the best way - it's like, the WORST way
-Sober people aren't perfect - we don't get "fixed". We don't get totally "healthy - we just aren't as sick as we were
-BALANCE
-I do the same things over and over and expect different results!
-I go crazy over men. PEER - REE - UDD!
-I'm impatient and want what I want, right now - but EVERY time I get what I want, I'm worse off than before. Hence logic dictates, and confirms, that I do not know what is best for me, and my actions, unguided, will lead to my destruction and despair.
-One Day at a Time means not freaking out about tomorrow or even one minute from now. Stop projecting and start planning. Stop accepting and start changing. There are things I can change.
-I DON'T NEED A MAN and I AM NOT ALONE.
-I latch onto individual people. I'm looking for someone to latch onto. But I latch onto the wrong people. Men. I need to stop it.
-I love people! I can love people unconditionally.

1-9-13 NOTES (w/Margo)

"We don't have relationships, we take hostages."

SUCCESS = compare yourself with yourself - look back, and look at your progress
-to say what you need to say for your own peace of mind regardless of the outcome - sticking up for yourself, setting boundaries

(side note - learn all you can about detachment)

(fun stuff - etymology. sayings and origins)

Do not share with other people information that might hurt them or others.

Kind? Necessary? True?

Gossip = I'm just as guilty with this gossip + I want out. I'm sorry.
Amends - could repeat to Jane - wasn't kind or necessary.

1-2-3 lesson from seminar

1 blah blah 2 about 3
2 takes 1 to 3 and walks away (no part of it!)

9 out of 10 times when you gossip, it's gonna come around and hurt you, and you might drink over it.

Gossip - meditate, take a deep breath

Stick with the winners

(10) Next few days - call Margo to tell her what boundary you set (the short story)

Stop setting yourself up for failure

The healthier you feel about yourself, celebrating yourself, knowing you're okay, the less you need the sex things (filling the hole)

-fill the hole with healthy stuff. won't be this impulsive, out of control reaction - more in control decision

Guys - wanting something you don't have - thrill of the pursuit

Trying to fill something in you. Use good stuff = spiritual program, good wholesome stuff

7 deadly sins only deadly because we OBSESS - go to extreme (lust)

(12) Fear - if you let go of your behavior - who will you be?

(5) -continue future assignment
-look at women - what do you want that each woman has in recovery specifically?

(11) calendar - start scheduling in
school, work, recovery, son = show to Margo


Journal Entry: 1-10-13

(7) What is best for me?

-Not letting MEN be my HIGHER POWER
-Going to school to get my degree so I can have a career
-Not fucking around when I should be doing productive things for my future
-Being a kind of mom that makes me proud instead of the kind I resent
-Stop flirting with disaster. Stop going to the barbershop if I don't want a haircut
-Having an actual plan
-No more getting myself into situations that I can't get out of
-Not feeding my addiction(s)

(12) FEARS

-Not making enough money to pay bills, get out of debt, buy things I want, and "save up"

-I won't ever find that great man to spend my life with, and if I do, I still won't be happy

-I'll never just be happy with what I have, right now

-I'm afraid of falling in love and being hurt again/hurting someone again

-I'm afraid I won't get better, that I'll get worse or just stay as sick as I am now

-I'm afraid I can't be the kind of mom my son needs

-I'm afraid that "escaping" will continue to be my solution

-I'm afraid my son will grow up to have mother/women issues

-I'm afraid of not saying "no" to people who want me to do things for them (at my own expense)

How have I escaped recently?

-Cutting people out of my life
-Changing majors, dropping out of jazz ensemble because of a B
-Accepting failure rather than keep working at something (school, the steps, my marriage, picking my son up)
-I stop calling women
-I stop going to church/church choir

How do I want to escape now?

-Cut Gary out of my life
-Cut Sterling out of my life
-Unfriend people on facebook
-Not pick up my son tomorrow
-Not call women in the program
-Move close to school/work
-Spend the last of my money on a movie

What are the "crazy" things I want?

-To have totally hot sex/makeout with Sterling
-Oh but first, for Sterling to break up with his girlfriend and say he's hopelessly head over heels in love with me and he wants to sweep me off my feet and love me forever - and have super hot sex somewhere totally secluded
-For Gary to stop calling me and facebooking me and just be gay or fall in love with some chick who isn't me so I can get over him
-To live close to school/work in a house with a kitchen and a nice, sober, spiritual person or group of people (if the Sterling thing doesn't happen, which it won't, of course)

What do I really want my January accomplishments to look like?

-Got a sponsee and worked her through step 1
-Didn't have sex
-Stopped obsessing over men
-Didn't drink or use any drugs (including tobacco)
-Got a new job
-Got a new place

(8) GUYS: If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be with me either. I'm not exactly "monogamous housewife" material.

I just want to feel loved and feel special in that way only a man can love me and make me feel special.

There is so much pain associated with losing someone - Ronnie, Evan, Gary (and I never really had Gary in the first place) - that I just look for the next guy to fill the hole. And then there's unrequited "love" - having feelings for a guy and that guy not reciprocating those feelings is so painful. And what about the pain I've caused? Breaking hearts - Ronnie, Evan - even guys who had "crushes" on me, like T, E, J, A, A, B, G, I, R...more guys whose names I don't even remember - who I've "cut off".

Even if a guy wants to have sex with me, that's a "crush" of some kind.

Deleting guys on facebook doesn't erase the past - it just helps me forget it.

I am just looking for another man to latch onto just like Ronnie and Evan. From the men I see, for some reason, Sterling seems like a great catch. See - "catch" - like I gotta snag him and reel him in. Or I latch on, like a leach - but I don't just wanna suck a guy's blood - I want to give to a relationship just as much, if not more, than I take.

I just can't stand the thought of being less than ideal - why doesn't a healthy, good man want me? I can't stand the fact that I must be so fucked up that no man wants me. It kills me.

So why does a man have to validate me?

Ever since I lost my dad at 8 years old - I wanted to be with a guy. I wanted to be loved by a man.

I used to have rape fantasies - I wanted a man to love me that badly.

I also have issues with women. I had to be my own mom. My mom was always in her room.

My son has mom issues. He's going to latch onto girls/women because his mom isn't there. He always tries to kiss me in inappropriate ways - like "making out" with me. I think he thinks that's the only way to get my attention. That's so sad - I need to give him more attention and time.

Question - How do I put sobriety first but also give my son the time he needs?

How do I juggle sobriety, school, work, and my son?

Why do I think having a man will fix it?


Journal Entry: 1-11-13

(3) Today's boundaries: Today is my day with my son. I will not let Ronnie get out of giving him to me.
-I will not let any man bait me sexually. I will not participate in flirting. I do not need a man today.

(5) Women in recovery: What they have that I want for my own future

Lori= Has college degrees and is a professor

Darlene= Uses her art/creativity professionally

These are the only two women in the meeting this morning who have something I want other than sobriety!

(13) What are you gonna do about this Gary and Sterling thing if you stay in your hometown?

Gary: Pretty easy - friend of mine said you're never cured from Hep C. Can generally get it just from sharing blood, but still, yikes. Also I want a guy with a stronger sex drive any way. Hep C has left him weak. Really I just enjoy his company and conversations - but even the conversations grow tiresome. I can get over Gary - he's not a very passionate kisser, and I can't stand that.

Sterling is a whole other problem. I just SO want to fuck him! He's so hot! And he's a hard worker, has been sober a long time. Did I mention he's hot?

What I need to do is accept once and for all that he is taken. Maybe try to put myself in Jennifer's shoes. I'm just being selfish - can I imagine if Sterling WAS my bf and there was some girl 10 years younger than me who plots and schemes and hopes he breaks up with me so they could be together? Maybe try to think about how I felt when Ronnie would come home and tell me about the girls at work who flirted with him and wanted him - that was HORRIBLE.

The next time Sterling suggests we "all" go eat, think of Jennifer. Remember my New Year's Res - to not hurt myself of others. Hanging out with Sterling but not getting to "have" him hurts me. Hanging out with him hurts his GF.

Journal Entry: 1-12-13

What happened to my boundary of NOT taking my son back early? I took him back today when I should have taken him back tomorrow. He screamed and cried so hard, saying "I hate papa, I want to punch papa in the face, I love you so so much mommy, I want to stay with you, I hate papa's house, I want to stay at your house!"

I caved so I could go to meetings and sing in church and see a choir sing the Hallelujah chorus? When, Lord, when will I be able to put my son first? PLEASE help me with this. Why do I justify going to meetings and church above having my son with me? I DO NOT THINK IT IS RIGHT. They say put my sobriety first. Being a mom to my son is putting my sobriety first. Don't these people get why I drank? It was because my son was taken away from me. Not having my son made me drink.

So because I screwed up and dropped my son off early and broke his little heart I needed something to make me feel good - so I went to Starbucks. I know I'm supposed to look for the spiritual and service solution. I'm supposed to pray and do something for someone else and that's supposed to make me feel better. What about my son? What does he get to feel better? He needs his MOM.

-Morose self-pity's got me in its grip.

Jane would say this is Satan and to kneel at the foot of the Cross.

"Satan tricked me." Blame it on Satan - hmm. Relieves responsibility... Good or bad? God - take away this defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows (especially my son).

Journal Entry: 1-14-13

New job started; I feel SO good! Hope my son is okay. Not thinking about men today. Gave myself to Jesus yesterday - ate his body, drank his blood (bread + juice). My supervisor Sam is 32 and cute - but I don't think he's single and am not gonna obsess on him. Getting over Gary and Sterling and Evan still. Poor Evan. Hope he's okay.

Been praying for a lot of people - not myself. Jane, Ronnie, Sterling/Jennifer/Austin, Gary, my son.

Yesterday was AMAZING - sponsee, church, Hallelujah chorus concert, sponsor, Les Miserables = super grateful for all the pain and tears I felt yesterday. God gives me pain for a reason. Without pain there is no progress. I miss my son - not just that but he needs me. I need to give him structure.

To move or not to move - that is still the question.

(2) My gossip hurt Jane and Peter. Jane is now a recluse and Peter seems to be okay now. But I'm tired of talking about Jane or any one else.

Yesterday I realized that every single human being experiences pain - from kids in Malawi to singers in the Centre Chorus to Ronnie, my son, Jane, Peter, my sponsee + sponsor, Jesus, Martin's family, Banning, all the people in and out of recovery - every one! But I also realized I can just LOVE EVERY ONE no matter what.

TODAY = DO CALENDAR


1-16-13: Meeting w/Margo NOTES

What I'm noticing about myself: one of the reasons my life gets unmanageable is because I take on more than I can handle. I need to set the boundary of letting things go when I'm not handling my other priorities.

We were entertained by the fact that I see my behavior around men - but when will I see the seriousness?

It's okay to laugh about our insanity

We need to think about how our actions might be affecting others

I would want to be friends with a guy who would treat me the same way as if his gf was around.

Whether the guy is single/taken, are my actions honorable?

At work: DON'T TALK ABOUT PERSONAL LIFE.

People will ask you questions - private! - people are nosy - you have to be able to not answer them - "I don't feel comfortable answering that"

"I'm a private person"

People have no right to your information

Don't need to justify - "I said yes to this, but I don't want to any more."

"I so appreciate you needing me, but I have other commitments now"

MEMORIZE: When you start saying "because" and/or explaining yourself you see giving your power away!

The story is not necessary!

Sex
The people that violated you (me) - pg 69 2nd paragraph = apply it to THEM. What should you have done instead.

How did they hurt you? How angry are you? How did you have to deal with them afterwards? How did that feel? How did it feel to have no one to tell, no one on your side if you did tell?

First look at being the victim/survivor (different approach).

Wait until next week for the next part.

Look at the idea of it being a sprint rather than a marathon - when you're sprinting you miss the things you wouldn't in a marathon.

Look at your resentments and write down the PATTERNS.

When I'm bored and not fulfilled, I look for damaging/toxic things to do to fill up time (like alcohol).

Women's meetings - or if mixed meetings STAY AWAY FROM THE MEN

IMPATIENT - pray for character defect to be removed

DVD - Law of attraction - "The Secret"

LIKING ATTENTION - character defect

Going over the line to obsession = becomes defect

Everything that you like will always be waiting

Life - think of the heart monitor
-without ups and downs, you're dead! Flatline = dead!
-We're always gonna have the boop-boops

ASSIGNMENT
CHILL -> Relax! Or maybe I should say "Relaaaaaahhhx"


Journal Entry: 1-16-13

I miss Evan. I don't know what to do.

So annoyed with myself - I went to Blockbuster just hoping that cute guy was working. He wasn't and I ended up getting a movie that I didn't even want. Somehow I convinced myself that I wanted to see a movie when I really just wanted to see that cute guy. Totally didn't watch the movie either. Or eat dinner. Just came home and spent 2 hrs on facebook before I even put my groceries away.

Not gonna beat myself up - definitely needed to write it down though. How many more times am I gonna go to Blockbuster just to (hopefully) see that hot guy? What do I really gain from this? What does it do for me? Makes my heart beat faster?

I pay for Netflix for crying out loud.


Journal Entry: 1-17-13

I understand what Peter means when he says he was "sick of sobriety" after 7 years. Fuck, I'm sick of sobriety after not even 1 year. In two days I'll have been in recovery for 1 year.

I guess it's because it'll also have been 1 month since I've talked to Evan in 2 days. I really miss him and I'm pissed at people in meetings for their stupid suggestion of "no relationships for a year." What the fuck ever.

How can I be in such a bad mood when I just watched "The Secret"?

Maybe it's because I spent a SHITLOAD of money today for NO REASON and took 2 hours off from working and took ALL DAY doing a task that should've taken me TWO HOURS.

And my sponsor said she's done hearing about my guy issues - she just wants to hear about my step work + keep it to the book.

I'm getting tired of alcohol recovery and all its "suggestions".

I'm not showing up to choir practice or early church and I'm not showing up to my friends' concerts that I say I'm going to go to. I'm not honoring commitments.

I didn't talk to my sponsee today.

Breeze went 4 months without sex and look at her now - she's going nuts wanting it. It hasn't been a full month for me even and I'm going nuts.

No one in this town's recovery meetings are young or going through what I'm going through. I can't fucking stand it any more.

Journal Entry: 1-18-13

How typical is it that when I don't want to follow my sponsor's suggestions that I get a new sponsor?

My solution has always been to run away.