I guess I just needed to vent with my last post and rehash everything. None of it really matters. Today I should be doing laundry - I've had laundry finished in the washing machine for hours while I go back and edit and re-edit that last post obsessively...and I've realized I got myself stuck.
I need to finish the laundry. I need to do the dishes. I need to get on my knees and pray to God and trust Him to work everything out, one day at a time. I need to work towards my future goals but not expect everything to change over night.
I texted my son's dad yesterday letting him know I had the day off and that I wanted to come down and see Louie for the afternoon. But hours later he finally replied that he had plans with Louie that he didn't want to cancel.
Legally, I still have majority custody. I'm supposed to have Louie during the week, and his dad is supposed to have weekends.
In reality, I see my son on Sundays. Then on my other night off during the week, I've been wanting to spend the afternoon with Louie, but his dad won't "let" me.
Instead of letting all this get me down, I have to just turn it over to God and do the next indicated thing. Laundry, dishes, clean the apartment, get ready for work. Be grateful for my job. Be grateful my son is healthy, happy and alive. He wants to see me more - all three of us this past Sunday talked about how great it would be for me to come see him during the week...but then that day came, and his dad had "plans".
Honestly, I'm suspicious that his dad was drinking or on drugs. I'm supposed to be making him get random drug tests once a month, and I'm supposed to make him get breathalyzed every time I pick Louie up and drop Louie off. I haven't been holding him accountable.
I've still just been in survival mode myself.
I feel like a horrible mother.
But...okay....again....this is where I turn to God.
God, help me. My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and your fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do Your bidding. Amen.
Most people wouldn't put this stuff online, and I know I'm risking judgment. But I'm okay with that. It helps me more than it hurts me. People used to write letters, keep journals. Me, I just don't want to be alone with it all, even if I don't know who's reading it.
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