"No Labels...just Life" blog: Orange Sky, Blue - Choosing Recovery

Here's what "mental illness" is like: Even though the sky looks orange to you, every one around you is telling you, "No, that's not orange, that's blue." But you think every one ELSE is crazy, and you keep insisting that it's orange, no matter what they say.

Here's what recovering from "mental illness" is like: You surrender. You stop insisting that the sky is orange. You acknowledge that you're wrong, and you apologize to every one for all those times you yelled at them, telling them that the sky is orange, not blue, and that they were crazy for thinking otherwise. Every day when you see that orange sky, you remind yourself, no, that's not orange, that's blue. Sometimes you still want to scream at people to tell them that the sky is CLEARLY orange, and sometimes you even do...but then you hurt people again, and it's not until you're in more pain yourself that you're willing to concede, once again, that, FINE, okay, the sky is blue. You acknowledge that you're wrong again and make more amends and try to clean up the wreckage you left this time when you started believing what your "mental illness" made you believe, again. 

Most people don't understand. They have their own lives to worry about, and eventually, you're such a pain in the ass that they just don't want anything to do with you. People who aren't close to you don't really know what you're like, so, you have plenty of acquaintances: fair-weather friends that you can hop around between, latch onto, maybe, for a little while, until you wear out your welcome. But you pretty much always do.

Ultimately, it's a lonely existence. BUT... you may be blessed enough to find a few select people who will love you forever, despite the fact that you see an orange sky when every one else sees blue. These are special people who see deep into your soul, past the "mental illness;" they know there's a human being in there, and they can't imagine life without you, even though, again, you can be a TOTAL pain in the ass.Try to love those people back as best you can, and appreciate them, and let them KNOW you appreciate them. It's hard, because you're "mentally ill." You don't know how to love yourself, much less, love others. Try to remember that it's hard for them, too. 

But EVERY one has it hard, in one way or another. And in the end, it doesn't really matter whether the sky is blue, or orange, or pink, or purple. What matters is that there's someone there to look at it with you.

(But it IS blue, damnit - so stop being such a pain in the ass.)