I guess this is as good a way to get to know me better as any: I wrote this email back on May 6, 2015 to a guy I had met at a recovery meeting. My relationship with him has come and gone (in fact, I'm pretty sure he has me blocked now on all communication fronts).
Sup G!
I guess that should be a question mark. I chose English as the other of my double-major, in part because I loved "getting it right"... and I was "good" at it: I participated in the 4-6 grade county spelling bee when I was a third-grader; it was my 4th school that year and my family was homeless, living in tents. I continued to participate in spelling bees and get straight A's in English throughout school while living in poverty and abuse (there's significance in this juxtaposition to be analyzed another time). Of course, math would have been a more effective tool, perhaps, to allow me to get things "right"...or science, even. But I wasn't as good at getting things right in math as I was at getting things "right" in English. And with science, there's actually a lot of getting things "wrong". The scientific method aims at proving hypotheses wrong. Can you imagine always trying to prove your own ideas wrong?! It's just so...negative. :P But then again your degree is going to be in social science, so you must have abundant experience with this. I don't like the feeling of being "wrong". :P
Oh, and so also, I guess there should also be an apostrophe between the S and the u and a comma after the p.
Lol, you've introduced me or re-acquainted me to the idea that perfectionism is a "bitch", so perhaps that's enough of me commenting on my own first two words that I've written you here, the act of which may be "getting" me "nowhere" in this "conversation" so far. Then again, I'm kind of enjoying this "conversation", even though it's sort of only with myself with you as a spectator, so...perhaps I'll just continue to enjoy it, regardless of where it leads, or its "purpose", or its effect(s). ;)
N-E-WayZ...
I'm emailing you because I don't want to blow up your phone while you're at school, but I was thinking this morning about how much you and I both seem to like and want to express our selves (in terms of our thoughts, and feelings) to one another. Last night you thanked me for allowing you to express your feelings. So today I wanted to try it. But I have certain feelings about expressing myself. For me, reality just totally eludes language's attempt to represent it. We have all these words that we can use to try to express what we feel, if we can even recognize what we feel in the first place. I do have a handle on the English language and I know how to compose sentences using words. But, for me, when it comes to choosing words to express my feelings, I have a VERY hard time doing so, because, it seems that no matter what I'm feeling, the words I attempt to use to express said feelings seem to "never" be "right" or "accurate". Not only that, but my feelings change quickly after I've expressed them, and the person to whom I had expressed said feelings now has these words by which to remember the feelings I had expressed but which are now most likely no longer even true because my feelings are as fickle as time.
Phew...
BUT...
Despite my frustrations borne by the attempt to communicate feelings in words, I still find of course that I WANT to communicate my feelings with someone else and be the recipient of such as well. When we express our feelings with another human being, and that person understands the language we are using and can therefore understand our feelings, and even feel our feelings with us, there we have a connection that fulfills a basic human need.
But...I think I prefer music as an expression of feeling, and words as an expression of thinking (hence the double-major). On a broader scale, I prefer tangible and physical activities for the expression of feelings (including sex, lol). And I think I much prefer feeling to thinking, if you want to know the truth.
But, lol, I began this email with a certain link in mind to share with you, not just to analyze my thinking and feeling and writing as I think and feel and write. To add to this venture upon which we have embarked, of you and I getting to know each other and communicating our selves with one another, I want to share a "personology" link. A guy named Gary Goldschneider conducted a 40-year empirical study of over 20,000 people, finding things that people appear to have in common based on their birthdays. It sounds like astrology, but it's not, because it's based on actual research (woohoo!). In the link I have it set to my birthday, but plug yours in. (I keep trying to remember your birthday but can't, for the life of me! I feel like it's in September or November but there are 10 other months and 365 days in all. *sigh* My anti-memory allows me to constantly live in the Now, but, so, I don't retain the past well at all, and it does cause problems when that bothers people or myself. So, do me a favor and remind me when you're birthday is, please.) https://www.thesecretlanguage.com/report/personology/?r=19830328
Now for the next link I want to share...
When I was reintroducing myself to Saul Williams after of him you spoke (damn Last Man, lol), I stumbled upon a suggested video about education that made me feel better about not having obtained my degree in the two favorite "fields" I've chosen since I was 5 (English and Music). I don't think I told you that I dropped out of college in September when I was awarded full custody of my son. (But, I remember learning, in Modern American Lit, that so many of the great American novel writers dropped out of college, too. So, maybe I won't go back to school, after all, and I'll just write my memoir - there are lots of things I DO remember - and sing places and live off child support and a part-time meaningless job, lol.)
I owe you an amends: When we first met I told you that I "attend" CSUSM and that I "graduate" in the fall...and potentially, I could...but I've missed two semesters and I need to find out if I can even go back without re-applying. I'm sorry to have told a lie in order to make myself "look better". I do that a lot, unfortunately. But I'm working on being more prompt with step 10. Progress not perfection. :)
Anyway, MY parents don't give a shit about my schooling. Me not finishing wouldn't make my paternal aunt and uncle proud (they're the only "normal" family members besides my paternal grandpa who have gotten degrees...I'm not as close with my mom's side, and not at all close to my parents), but that's not enough motivation. Nowadays I find it increasingly difficult to finish classes and papers. I just don't care as much to impress people any more (that must also be a lie, lol, as I insert this parenthetical after 6 hours of editing this email).
It appears that sobriety and the steps have been killing my former self (slowly, of course). I used to be an A student - I was accepted to the most prestigious California universities out of high school (I wanted to stay local) - and school was the means to the end of "getting out" of the abusive home situation and also "getting love" from teachers, since I received none at home. But then I got to be "taken care of" and "loved" by a man - my childhood Disney princess dream - from age 18 until I was 28. When he and I got together, he was secure financially, so I started fooling around in school and had fun with the double-major, taking all sorts of enjoyable courses that I didn't "need" (because I had security and love by other means). (And I guess I have been trying to recreate that again with another man but haven't been successful. "God's will is where your feet are" ...?)
Anyway...all this when I really just want to show you another link, lol: http://youtu.be/y_ZmM7zPLyI
But lastly, since I brought up God in that last parenthetical, I want to talk about God some more. (Before I do, I want you to know that the following idea concerning God and you and me that popped into my head this morning and that I'm about to share could also be completely insane, so please feel free to disregard entirely.)
I really did begin to love Jesus a short time ago, before I turned my back on Christianity, when it no longer seemed to serve me (typical rebellious alcoholic)...but what if He does exist, and what if He knows I still want to be Loved by Him, and what if He wants me to be a channel of His Love? What if I was supposed to meet you so we could help each other get back to Him, because He Loves us so much? (Look at me, expressing my feelings with words. I hate it.) Where I'm going with this is....would you be interested in checking out my church on Sunday? I know, now I'm being one of THOSE Christians, and I can't even believe it myself. But they have the BEST worship music, in my opinion, at Cross Connection Escondido...it just FEELS so GOOD to worship there! We could hit up the 11:15 service then hang out for lunch afterwards. Then next weekend, maybe I could check out your church? Qualitative research. :)
Last link, for now: http://youtu.be/OsccUg4TDd8
Sorry, I didn't mean to get all weird. But I'm weird. SO weird.
Sent from my iPhone
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