9 glass vases
3 crystal ash trays
2 crystal bowls
4 crystal candle holders
1 jade candle holder
2 ceramic mugs
1 "Scentsy" candle warmer
3 "Scentsy" candles
2 bath salts jars
1 broken refrigerator magnet
5 crockpots
4 pie pans
5 oven trays
1 muffin pan
16 bottles of perfume
3 bottles of erotic massage oil
4 tubes of hand lotion
1 pair of gold earrings
1 sewing kit w/64 spools of thread
13 hats
1 cashmere scarf
1 wallet
1 fanny pack
2 books
4 fancy pillows
2 fancy lamps
1 neck massager
1 asthma machine
As I was wrapping her beautiful crystal vases of different shapes and sizes, I thought, "Wow, Margaret, you had good taste. I wonder if I'll have this much stuff when I die. God, I'm so pissed at you."
I was the last to go over to the house. Everything had to be out by the next day. Crawford had called me around 10:30 am to ask for help, and I said I could come over late, after my choir concert. I had just gotten out of her lawyer's office for the second reading of the Will and was on my way to work. Cathy and Mary had already gone over to help and left, and Crawford had worked like a steam engine, back and forth, back and forth, getting box after box piled high in the living room by the door. I don't know if he ever slowed down, because by the time I got there he was still goin' fast and the living room was nearly full of boxes and Tetris-stacked furniture. He was whistling and singin' while he worked. I hugged him, faked smiles, and didn't say a whole lot except when he asked me things, I responded in one-sentence answers. It's not like you can just say to somebody, "She killed herself because of you, you know."
Crawford invited me to take a couple things, when I first started packing. I almost kept a jade candle holder and a crystal ash tray, but then I thought, Wait a second, I can't do this. In her Will, she put me last in a list of 8 women who get to pick out a piece or set of jewelry, in order. The executrix, Laura, has to have all of Margaret's estate appraised before anything can be done with any of it, and if her assets are worth more than $150,000 (which they will be; I hear it's more than $600,000), it'll go into probate (which was explained but I don't remember the specifics, except that it could take up to two years for any body to get anything that was left to them). Margaret had also put in her Will that she wanted her furnishings, clothes, and other belongings (besides her money, car, property, and jewelry) to "go to friends," with some kept and sold to pay for expenses and debts if necessary. But everything has to get appraised first, and she wasn't specific about what "friends" should get what. Why should I get to just take things? It didn't feel right, and I was kind of pissed at Crawford for even suggesting it. Shit, how much of her things have you given away all ready? I thanked him generously but graciously declined.
When I was finished with what had been left in the kitchen and her bedroom closet and was getting the last few things out of the bathroom, he insisted again, when he saw me wrapping her half-empty bottles of perfume. "It's probably all going to get sold in an estate sale for $.25 a bottle, so if you want anything, just take it. Please. Don't you think Margaret would want you to have some things?" When he put it that way, I thought, Well, actually, yes, she would. She didn't leave anything to family in her Will except some of the jewelry to her sister, and everything else she wanted to go to friends. I was one of the friends who had been with her regularly during her last month (but who knew her the shortest amount of time, only for about 10 months). I had all ready picked a broken refrigerator magnet out of the kitchen trash and had hid it in my pocket. So, I decided to go ahead and take three bottles of perfume. And a couple of her books. And the cashmere scarf. And a hair clip. And two bottles of Mary Kay hand lotion. And the dish soap (I was completely out). Maybe I went overboard, and I do feel a little guilty. But I'm going to put the scarf on a shelf and set up everything else on top of it in a sort of shrine (minus the dish soap). I'll print out a picture of her and frame it and put it up there, too.
Death is pretty shitty, but it sure is inevitable, and all that's left, when you're gone, is "stuff". That and people's memories. I want to write a Will, even though I don't really have much, and I'm only 30. But I would want certain people to get to have the specific things I do have, if something happens to me. Also, I want to write letters to be opened by people after my death. I would have loved to have gotten one from Margo. It would have been, well, nicer, if she would've said goodbye instead of just leaving like that. Way to make everyone feel like shit. Unless that's what she was going for, who knows. But I'll take this as a reminder, if ever commit suicide, which I'd like to say I'm sure I won't, but, I'd let people know that I was thinking of them. That I cared about them, loved them. I would tell them what I appreciated about them, and what I would want them to do as they live on, and let them know there isn't anything they could have done. That way they don't just have the things they swiped while they were packing my stuff up and how shitty it was that I killed myself to remember me by. Hmm. Makes me want to Google suicide notes. I wonder what people tend to write. (Also, if you read my posts about #27 and his suicide video/composition that gave me some peace - which prompted me to tell him that, which led to him asking for my number, which led to us going on a date, which led to me sleeping with him, which led to me being very conflicted about seeing him again - you can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfIlCBpHAb4.)
It's interesting to wonder what people will say about you after you die. I know if you take your own life, it's not going to be good. At least, not initially. People are fucking pissed. Eventually, though, they want to preserve the good memories. I guess that's why all our presidents are made into heroes. Not that they killed themselves -- but when people die, we just want to talk about how great they were (especially if they were Presidents of the United States of America). So, at Margaret's memorial, a week from now, I'm going to sing some songs, and I'll write a eulogy about how great she was. Maybe after the memorial service I'll have some closure and can move on. I guess that's what those things are for, after all.
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