More About the Pizza Delivery Boyfriend and the Satellite Communications Engineer

The first of the new year is a time, I've noticed, for many writers, myself no exception, to ponder especially deeply about what it is they're writing about, and why they're writing. Ray Rhamey postulates at his writing blog, Flogging the Quill, "The start of the new year is often a time folks resolve to do things, sometimes differently, sometimes new, in the coming year. At the least, it's a time to reflect on where you are now and where you want to go." After my last post, I'd like to say that where I've been and where I'd like to go don't really matter - since the only Time there is is Now - but then I'd have absolutely no reason to write, whatsoever. I know I need to get off the existential soapbox and get back to writing stories. My stories are about relationships, "love", sex, and while not always true with a "capital T", they come from my own experiences and my own perspective. And writing about them is what's happening now, for me. 

I do want to make sure I watch my grammar - I think. At The Huffington Post's "Grammarly" blog, the Grammarly Editor shared 7 Grammar Mistakes we're all probably making, based on the errors found in the 300,000+ novels written this past November during National Novel Writing Month. But, from what I can tell, I don't have an issue with any of these: missing commas, run-on sentences, comma splices, comma misuse, and missing articles. But these, I'm not so sure about: definite vs indefinite article use (meticulous use of "a/an" vs "the") and redundant articles (repeating the article when unnecessary: "I want a car, a plane, a boat, a train"). I do know I use a lot of sentence fragments. Sometimes I just like to write the way I speak. I'd never use a sentence fragment in a formal paper. 

If you'd really like to see someone break the rules, read Goat by Brad Land. An author, "Matt," offers a "ruthless review" of the memoir...but it's on website called "Ruthless Reviews", so there ya go - it's their shtick. I was particularly fond of Goat. I appreciate breaking writing rules - as long as one knows he or she is breaking them. And when I break them, I do know, at least, for the most part - but I'm always worried about whether the reader knows that I know. But Brad Land gave me the permission say 'never mind - fuck you'. And I like that. Or do I? Okay - I still don't know.

However I'm writing, I still struggle a slight bit with what I'm writing about - I know what I'm writing about, and it's cool with me, but, does any body else care, and is any body even reading it? In literary agent Janet Reid's blog about writing, one of her latest posts included a question from a reader: "What the hell am I supposed to blog about?" Her answer summarily was this: Don't blog. Janet recommends facebook or twitter for aspiring writers to get their names out there. Well, I can't really do that. I can't have all my friends reading about my sex life. My friends include professors, bosses, church leaders, family, etc. So, I write under a pseudonym. It limits my audience for me to be writing memoir as it actually happens. I imagine it wouldn't matter if I were writing about childhood, or about my marriage that ended two years ago, but I'm writing about the guy I fucked yesterday (well, not today - maybe in the next post).

And why am I writing? Well, I'm not really trying to get my "name" out there; I just want my "writing" out there. I'm not interested in joining NaNoWriMo. If I were to write a novel, it wouldn't be over the course of just a month - I'm too much of a perfectionist for that. And if I do write a novel, I'll use my real name. I've considered that, actually. I've even thought of turning Adora Fallbrook into a character and writing about her in the third person, or maybe still in the first person and changing things enough so that she isn't too close to "me". I'm already doing that with my "characters", in a sense: when I write about the men I've been with, I'm not focusing so much on "who" they really "are", but on my perspective of them and the events that transpired between us. And that perspective changes all the time, so I might write something about one of them, and then my perspective changes, and so that writing is no longer "true", if it ever was, any way.

For example: I wrote about The Shakespeare Connoisseur under the assumption that he had had ulterior motives. He's an older man with money, so I called him a "sugar daddy" because he took me out to a Shakespeare play and frequently to brunch, and he had wanted to help me out with my poorly-running car. But I told him about what had happened between me and The Propane Truck Driver ("Sterling" and I had had sex and four days later he had told me he had herpes), and The Shakespeare Connoisseur, "Deniro", stopped contacting me. I therefore assumed, despite his assurances, that what he'd wanted from me wasn't just my company or to help me. I was resentful when I wrote the post about him.

But, then, I did hear from him some time later. He asked how I was doing, and I told him that I was short $1043.00 for next semester's tuition, so I was trying to decide whether or not I would continue school. Despite my fears about him, he was something of a mentor to me, and I decided to go ahead and ask him for a loan, and give him the benefit of the doubt - or ignore my prior assumption - and hope for the best. We had lunch together again, and I told him about my blog, and about my "problems" with men. He offered this as a provision for the loan: that I maintain no more than two relationships with men at any given time, and keep him abreast of my situation.

I had, prior to that, joined a group for "sex and love addicts", and it was suggested to me there to go through a "withdrawal" period and not be with any men. So that's what I was attempting to do. But, then, like a little girl from her dad, I got "permission" from Deniro to see not just one man but two. "Who will they be?" I thought. Well, that same day I was entreated by both #1, The Pizza Delivery Boyfriend and #29, The Satellite Communications Engineer/Composer, so there I had my two. I've spent most of my time with #1, with #29 waiting, asking me frequently when we might meet. And I'd planned on meeting with him today - but I have #1 in my house at the moment. And #1 watched my son for me yesterday while I took a friend to see her neurosurgeon, because she walks with a walker and doesn't drive, for 6 hours. So now my conscience is weighing heavily upon me, as it is wont to do.

Also, speaking of conscience - I hadn't the slightest inkling of it when I gave #25 my blog url. Interestingly enough, I've also given it to #1 and #29, in the interest of "honesty". I thought #25 might like to comment on my writing, and see more "in depth" the nature of what I thought to be my problem. Only, my mind somehow completely omitted the fact that I'd written about #25 in not the best light. In a terrible light, rather.

He was terribly offended, naturally. It brought the end of the relationship. I'm to mail him his check for repayment and his Ron Paul book (he was educating me in politics), and that's that.

So...back to the "why" of my writing - I had originally begun writing as a way to analyze my relationships and sex/love life, but chose a blog format so that I could share it with "the world". Of course, I'm writing from my own perspective. Perhaps, as an exercise both in creative writing and in humanitarianism, I should write from one of their perspectives soon.

Now that'll be interesting.

Oh, and PS: I remembered another guy to add to the list. He's The Christian Airplane Mechanic. I just went over to his house a few times and we went shopping at Home Depot together once. It was at another time when I was trying not to date, and so I maintained the relationship at the platonic level. But I definitely need to include him. I can't leave any one out. I just won't give him the url. I don't want to lose any more friends. But oh well. That's being a memoirist in real time for ya.

Happy New Year!

The Shakespeare Connoisseur

I completely forgot about the old retired lawyer from Chicago who took me to see Shakespeare at the Old Globe (I'll have to adjust my number scheme accordingly). He bought me a rare edition of Midsummer...the text of the First Folio, with Quarto insertions, from The Collector's Library of Famous Editions, commissioned in 1938, edited and amended where obscure by Herbert Farjeon and illustrated from water colors by Arthur Rackham, and bound in genuine leather by The Easton Press...as a memento. He also got my car in at a mechanic friend's of his who owed him some favors, and took me to brunch about 20 times so we could have "highly intelligent" conversations, and so on and so forth. Of course, he stopped contacting me a month ago when I told him The Propane Truck Driver might have given me herpes (for the record, it appears that he didn't, from what I can tell, but I'm still grateful for the incentive to fucking stay away from men).

His name was Deniro. I had questioned his motives outright and out loud. He was really pressing me to go see Shakespeare with him, once he found out that I was considering writing a paper on Hamlet's ghost for my History of Literary Criticism and Commentary class. He asked me about seven times over three months, before I finally said, "Fine, I'll go." And he assured me, repeatedly, that his intentions were good; he enjoyed my company; he just wanted to see a single mom stay sober; he appreciated my "joie de vivre;" he thought my intellect refreshing; and he wasn't interested in "a relationship" or..."anything else".

Note to self: Guys from recovery meetings are like cars at the shop -- they're broken, and need a lot of work, and sometimes, no matter how much work gets done, you really just don't know how reliable they're gonna be. (But I guess that goes for me, too.)

My hope is just to have better standards when it comes to letting someone of the opposite sex into my sphere (in other words, I really need to learn how to firmly use that highly under-rated word, "No"). When I'm ready to date again (which I'm not letting myself do until I've completed this exhaustive inventory of all my relationships), I should make myself ensure that the guy exhibits certain qualities, other than "is male," before I let myself be with him...like, he: isn't just trying to fuck me (not sure how I'll discern that, but maybe it'll come to me)..................oh, and, supports himself, is educated/enjoys learning, lives by spiritual and moral principles, cares for children and animals, has compassion, helps others, takes time to get to know himself and share himself honestly with others, takes responsibility for his choices and actions and makes adjustments as needed; is positive, grateful, humble, respectful, patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving, kind, balanced, rational, not afraid to be vulnerable; weighs decisions, asks for/takes advice, makes a God of his own understanding his higher power instead of other people or himself; is a leader in the spirit of God's will; and, cares about me as much as I care about him (assuming that once I learn to care for myself, I'll have the capacity to truly care for someone, too). I'm sure I'll add more to the list, the longer I don't let myself be with just any man that comes along and tells me I'm pretty and smart just so he can take me somewhere and...well, you know.

So for now...it's Jesus. Hey, if a girl needs a man, it just don't get any better than this guy.