Steps 6 and 7

Having shared my inventory with my sponsor a couple days ago (steps 4 and 5), and, coming home to do steps 6 and 7 - where I become willing to have my defects of character removed, and ask God to remove my shortcomings - I have to admit I’ve held onto some. I’ve been holding onto selfishness, for sure - still wanting what I want instead of letting God be the director of my life. If you’ve read my poetry lately, every single one is about either not getting what I want or having something I don’t want - it’s all about me, of course. Clearly I needed a couple extra days of suffering to be willing.

My sponsor suggested coming up with a list of assets to counter my defects. When I did my 4th step, I actually wrote out about 20-30 character defects, but in the last couple days I’ve felt too overwhelmed by that, and I gave up just long enough to feel completely insane again. I think, one day at a time, a top-5 list will be a bit more manageable. My sponsor talked about having her own top 5 and how it changes from day to day. I do have one for today:

Shortcomings

Impatient - wanting a committed love relationship / marriage “yesterday”

Selfish - wanting more than my fair share of love / attention

Afraid - afraid I’m not good enough for any one

Angry - annoyed when people don’t do what I want

Lustful - wanting to feel good

TOO honest - comes from fear 

Lazy - no schedule, poor sense of time, bad work ethic

Assets

Patient - accept God’s timing and direction 

Selfless - give love / attention where others need it

Have Faith - fulfill God’s purpose for my life and serve others fearlessly 

Compassionate - ask for God to give to others what I want for myself and see where I can be of service 

Accepting - allow my own discomfort, pain and suffering to see what God is trying to teach me

Restrained - be mindful of my words and use them sparingly and impeccably; is it necessary, true AND kind?

Willing - plan ahead, then be willing to take the next right action, and move my hands and feet

Just for today. One day at a time. 

Tired

I’m tired 

of short-lived fantasies

excitement from a text

attention

“Maybe he’s the One?”

Yeah, no

see

I’m the One

God is the One

my hula hoop 

gets smaller

every day 

that I’m alive

removing Facebook friends 

declining that request 

from someone 

looking for a high

by way of, “Maybe I 

can fuck her?”

True

I used to fuck

to get them

men are 

so damn 

fucking easy

but I’m talking 

to myself 

like I’m my daughter

when It’s really 

God the Father

showing me

that I am Whole

without them liking me

though yes

there’s someone special now

or so I think (?)

but what he sees in me

I still don’t know

besides my pussy / laughter

Jesus

so those parts of me

feel validated

yes

I am 

a hot and funny

Christian girl

but not the only one

so maybe someone else

will fuck him

like I did 

before I realized

for like 

the millionth time 

my friend

that 

I

am

tired.

Easy

I was too easy then

I didn’t make you work to have 

yourself inside my flesh

I wish

I would have waited

made you take me on a date

instead of letting you

get wet and taste 

my sin inside your bed

This is my fate

no dress for me

this lust is free

and with this cock ring 

I thee wed 

This Christian widow

you can bone

and hear me moan

with no commitment

to the child I left at home

His father died

but why should I 

demand that you 

should take his place?

And so

these tears upon my face

aren’t wiped 

They fall upon your balls

while I am choking

on my dignity 

A desperate, sad 

attempt at “love”

that leaves me 

still alone